Skip to main content
Submitted by Aishwarya Solanki on 6 August 2016

Losing a loved one especially after a long period of caregiving can be distressing and leave you with a range of different and conflicting emotions. This article by PDMDS suggests six ways to deal with grief and loss.  

Losing someone close to you is extremely distressing. That loss also signifies the end of your caregiver role which may create feelings of emptiness. How you cope with the demise of the person you cared for is a very personal thing. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to feel following a death. But it is a pain that needs to be addresses and dealt with. Therefore be patient and kind towards the most important person: you.

Immediately after a death there are a lot of necessary things that need to be done like informing friends and family, registering the death, arranging the funeral and other religious/cultural rituals. During this phase, you may be surrounded with family and friends. It is only after they have left that you may really start to realize and feel the loss. You may experience a range of emotions like shock, disbelief, sadness, anger and guilt. You may also begin to question your faith and your religious beliefs. These are normal reactions to the death of a loved one and there is nothing right or wrong in feeling these strong emotions.

Many caregivers feel guilty about things they did or didn’t do, say or didn’t say. They might feel guilty about having thoughts of feeling relieved when their loved one passed away after a difficult illness. They even feel guilty for believing that they did not give their best in caring for their loved one. But be assured, given your responsibilities, duties and limitations as a human being, you have done your best.

Anger and bitterness is also felt by caregivers. They may feel angry towards God for taking away their loved one, with doctors who weren’t able to find a cure, with the loved one for leaving them and also with themselves for not preventing the death (even though there was nothing they could do). Realize that this was nobody’s fault. It is a natural part of life. Caregivers may also experience physical symptoms after the death of a loved one such as fatigue, lowered immunity, weight loss or gain, pain and sleep disturbances. Give yourself and your body time to cope with this grief.

Each person’s way of coping with death and loss differs. Some may cry, some may not, some may avoid work some may resume work. But remember, the pain will not go away if you ignore it or deny it. You do not have to hold back your tears and be strong. Feeling sad, frightened, empty are normal reactions to the loss you are going through. You need not put up a brave front to protect the rest of your family. Be true to yourselves and them and be in this together.

After the demise of your loved one, it may be difficult to come to terms with the loss of not only your family member but also your caregiver role. When you’re ready, it is helpful to look at rebuilding your life. The following are a few suggestions that can help you start.

1. Reconnect with friends and family

Many caregivers tend to lose contact with friends and family because of the demands of care giving. But the best help comes from people who are close to you and who know you. Reconnect with them. Talk to them. Many a times you may feel that they are behaving odd around you but that is usually because they do not know what would be the perfect thing to say or do. Therefore it would be helpful if you could specify or share what you need and expect from them.

2. Talk it out

It is important to express and share the emotions you are going through. You may feel like re-living the memories you shared with your loved one, you may want to go through his belongings; you may want to talk about his nature. Talk to a friend who you feel will understand you.

Sometimes, you may find it more cathartic to talk to someone who is also facing the loss of a loved one. Support group forums may help you connect with such individuals.

3. Social Service/Volunteering

Volunteering at charity organizations is a good way to adequately use your time, skills and resources and to help in the well being of others. You could contact various NGOs that pursue causes that are of personal significance to you or you may be willing to support a cause that was of great value to your loved one.

4. Doing something you love

There may be that one interest that you have always wanted to pursue but kept putting it off due to the responsibilities you had to face at various stages of life. Give yourself the opportunity to whole heartedly pursue this activity that you have always been procrastinating.

5. Learning something new

There is no age or time boundary to learning. Learning; as they say never ends. Your care giving role might have generated new skills and interests that you may want to professionally learn and pursue. And for motivation, research states that learning a new skill is a very good exercise for the brain.

6. Work

You may have left your work due to retirement or to be there for your loved one. You may explore the possibility of returning to work or starting something at home.

These were a few suggestions to help you focus on rebuilding your life. You may have many other activities or suggestions that you could start putting to action. If you feel nothing is helping you to feel better and cope with the loss, it might be beneficial to speak to a psychologist.

Condition

Stories

  • Profile pic of a woman in red and green kurta and dupatta and text My experience with Vascular Parkinsons Disease
    My Struggle For A Diagnosis Lasted 24 Years
    Gulshan Pruthi, 56 from Delhi took 24 years to get a diagnosis of Vascular Parkinsonism after consulting various doctors, doing multiple tests, trying different therapies. She narrates her experience and how she copes with this rare condition. When were you diagnosed? I was diagnosed with Vascular Parkinson’s Disease (also called arteriosclerotic parkinsonism or vascular multi-infarct parkinsonism) in 2019 after 24 years. What were the early symptoms? What made you go to a doctor? My early…
  • Profile picture of the author Rajeev with a blue strip and overlay text Living with Parkinson's Surprises
    Are Violent Dreams or Facial Masking Signs of Parkinson's?
    Rajeev K Gupta, who lives with Parkinson’s, recounts his own experiences with many surprising and not so well-known non-motor symptoms of PD like sleep behaviour disorders which can be a nightmare and others like facial masking, speech problems, drooling which can be quite discomforting and distressful. This article is reviewed by Neurologist Dr. Prashanth LK. Most people know Parkinson’s Disease (PD) as a disease with shaking hands or tremors. You may be surprised to learn that tremors are not…
  • Profile Picture of Shaila Bhagwat against a backdrop of an online video call and text overlay ऑनलाइन प्लेटफॉर्म और थेरेपी एक वरदान
    पार्किंसंस के लिए ऑनलाइन प्लेटफॉर्म और थेरेपी की उपलब्धि एक वरदान
    पुणे की शैला भागवत को पिछले कुछ वर्षों से पार्किंसंस रोग है। लेकिन कोविड  के कारण हुए लॉकडाउन और सामाजिक दूरी बनाए रखने के माहौल में उन्होंने ऑनलाइन थेरेपी सत्रों और वर्चुअल प्लेटफॉर्म का इस्तेमाल करना शुरू किया, और उन्हें ये पसंद आया। वे साझा करती हैं कि कैसे उन्हें दोनों से लाभ हुआ। कोविड  के प्रतिबंधों में ढील के बाद भी उन्हें ये उपयोगी लग रहे हैं, और ये उनके लिए आकर्षक विकल्प हैं। आपने ऑनलाइन थेरेपी के सत्र कब शुरू किए? मैं बी.के. पारिख सपोर्ट ग्रुप की सदस्या हूं, जो पीडीएमडीएस (…
  • Image; Shaila Bhagwat, who has Parkinson's Disease in a blue dress at a restaurant with plates of desserts in front of her
    मैं शैय्याग्रस्त होने की अवस्था से बचने के लिए पूरा प्रयास कर रही हूँ
    67 वर्षीय शैला भागवत को पार्किंसंस रोग है जिस से उनका दाहिना हिस्सा प्रभावित है। वे आत्मनिर्भर रहने के लिए हर संभव प्रयास कर रही हैं - वे अनेक उपयोगी गतिविधियों के कार्यक्रम का सख्त अनुपालन करती हैं जिसमें शामिल हैं व्यायाम, योग, मैडिटेशन (ध्यान), हंसी और संगीत थेरेपी, चाल प्रशिक्षण, लिखावट अभ्यास, ज्ञान निर्माण, इत्यादि)। चार साल पहले, मैं दाहिने कंधे में एक टेंडन टीअर हुआ था और एक सूचर एंकर डाला गया था। फिजियोथेरेपी की मदद से मुझे सर्जरी के बाद रिकवरी में 2 महीने लगे। लेकिन दुर्भाग्य से, मेरे…
  • 50 वर्षों से परिवार के सदस्यों की देखभाल करने वाली महिला से कुछ सहानुभूति और स्वीकृति संबंधी सीख
    50 वर्षों से परिवार के सदस्यों की देखभाल कर्ता से सहानुभूति और स्वीकृति संबंधी सीख
    वीना शील भटनागर, 80, अर्थशास्त्र की लेक्चरर रह चुकी हैं। वे अपने परिवार के सदस्यों की पचास साल से अधिक समय तक लगातार देखभाल करती रही हैं। उन्होंने जिन प्रियजनों की देखभाल की है, उस श्रंखला में अंत में उनके दिवंगत पति विजय शील भटनागर थे, जिन्हें पार्किंसंस रोग था। यहां वे देखभाल करने की इस लंबी यात्रा के बारे में बात करती हैं और अपनी सीख साझा करती हैं। 1963 में 22 साल की उम्र में मेरी शादी हुई, और उसके तुरंत बाद मैं एक देखभाल कर्ता बन गई। तब से मेरी देखभाल करने की यात्रा 50+ साल से नॉनस्टॉप चलती…
  • Lessons Of Empathy And Acceptance From A Caregiver For 50 Years
    Veena Sheel Bhatnagar, 80, a former lecturer of Economics, has been a non-stop caregiver for over five decades to her family members, the last being her late husband Vijay Sheel Bhatnagar who had Parkinson’s Disease. Here she recounts her long journey caregiver and shares many learnings. I became a caregiver soon after my marriage in 1963 at age 22. Since then it has it has been a nonstop 50+ year journey of caregiving. Till recently, I was a looking after my husband who had Parkinson’s Disease…
  • A person with Parkinsons standing on top of the mountains with his arms outstretched
    Raising My Game Against Parkinson’s
    Pramesh Ratnakar, English professor, author, and third generation patient of Parkinson’s Disease, rues the absence of a cure, discusses Eliot and Homer in class to overcome Covid adversities and duels unrelentingly and imaginatively with the neurological condition. Plus a reflective poem by Ankur Bashar, his student and film maker who also made the film "The Invisible Enemy".   Who am I? My name is Pramesh Ratnakar. I am 64 years old. Many people call me a maverick for my iconoclastic…
  • The author Dr Prathima holding her book in her hand. She is wearing a bit jacket and is seated on a sofa
    Exercises and Boxing Have Helped Me Cope With Parkinsons
    Dr Prathima, 41 is a General Physician, and was diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (YOPD) in her late thirties. She shares her struggles and fears, as well as her strategies for coping with the challenges and pent up tensions. Please tell us a bit about your condition I am 41 years old and was diagnosed with Young Onset Parkinson’s Disease (YOPD) approximately 4 years ago. Initially the symptoms were very subtle and being a doctor myself, I managed to get a  timely diagnosis.…
  • Profile Picture of Shaila Bhagwat against a backdrop of an online video call and text overlay Benefits of online therapy sessions
    Moving To Online Platforms And Therapy For Parkinsons Has Been A Boon
    Shaila Bhagwat from Pune has been living with Parkinson’s for some years now. But the lockdowns and social distancing in recent times have made her opt for online therapy sessions as well as look forward to interactions on virtual platforms. She shares how she benefitted from both. When did the online therapy sessions start for you? I am a member of the B. K. Parikh Support Group which is part of the PDMDS (Parkinson Disease & Movement Disorder Society), Mumbai, and is also a part of PDMDS…
  • युवा अवस्था वाले पार्किंसंस रोग से निपटने की चुनौती से हार नहीं मानी: एक युवती की आप-बीती
    पांच साल पहले 45 वर्षीय सुनंदिता का जीवन बढ़िया चल रहा था जब उन्हें पार्किंसंस रोग का निदान मिला। निदान पर विश्वास कर पाना मुश्किल था! इस निदान से उनका जीवन बहुत प्रतिबंधित हो गया। चुनौतियों से जूझना और उचित जीवनशैली के बदलाव कर पाना कठिन था। लेख में पेश हैं उनके अनुभव और विचार। कृपया हमें अपने बारे में कुछ बताएं। मैं एक मध्यमवर्गीय भारतीय बंगाली परिवार से हूं। मेरा जन्म और पालन-पोषण कोलकाता के उपनगरीय इलाके में हुआ है। मेरे पिता केंद्र सरकार में कार्यरत थे और मां एक स्कूली शिक्षक थीं जो बाद में…