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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 23 January 2020
Profile pic of the an adult man with a beard and in a pink shirt

Linish Balan, 37 who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome as an adult, introspects on the bittersweet memories of his growing up years and provides a firsthand and objective perspective on parenting.

Since childhood I knew that I was different from other children. But I didn't know how I was different or why I was different. I was born and grew up in a family which had no awareness about Asperger's Syndrome. I think they, including my mother, still don't have any. This is a small attempt to analyse parenting from my life experiences as a person with Asperger's Syndrome in an objective manner.

Both my parents were state government employees who had a lot of family responsibilities. They really wanted to give a good education for their children. Despite the struggles I faced from the education system which was not appropriate for me, I understand and respect my parents' intentions. In their viewpoint the main purpose of education was to get a better job. I can't blame them, because they grew up in the early days of post-independence India where they struggled a lot to bring up a decent life and settle. They didn't want to see that their son was struggling like them, so they tried to give the best education that they could afford at that time.

My Struggles with Aspergers

But unfortunately they were totally unaware about my Aspergers. I struggled a lot with socialization from childhood, but my family considered me just as an introvert. I still remember some of my relatives used to ask me, "Why do you have this much shame?" Because of the lack of awareness about my condition my parents were unable to correct others and protect me from such teasing. Of course I am introspective and introverted and I think there is nothing wrong in it.

In school, teachers also couldn't recognize my difficulties, because I was scoring good marks in academics. It doesn't mean I had a good comprehension. I was scoring good marks only because of my good memory skills. But I enjoyed history a lot from small classes itself despite the fact that science and maths were boring and difficult subjects for me. Anyway till the 10th standard I managed studies well and scored good marks. After the 10th, I wanted to take history as the main subject for my pre-degree (pre - graduation course). But my parents were unhappy with that, they forced me to study science and mathematics.

In the pre-degree level, science and mathematics syllabus were far above my comprehension level. I lost interest in studies and started to struggle a lot with anxiety and some other psychological issues. In my teenage years, I was more aware that I was different from others. I became very rebellious and started to behave defiantly. For graduation my parents allowed me to take history as the main subject. But by that time I had lost interest in studies and started to use maladaptive substances heavily. I did not know how to make friends, although I felt the need for them. I think that desire might have led me to the usage of maladaptive substances. Using such things with other guys was an easy way to connect with them and make friends. Somehow I completed my graduation with just passing marks.

Relationship with my Parents

As a child I was afraid of my father, though I don't know why.. I was scared to ask or discuss anything with him. He never compelled me to study like my mother. But he always wanted to be obeyed. I have a strong tendency to oppose authoritarianism from childhood. I might have shown my disagreements through silence and keeping my distance. I never liked to be controlled. With my mother I had more freedom to express my disagreements. She was forcing me to study, but I had the freedom to question her.

Grasping Conversations Can Be Hell For Us

As a young boy, I had limited freedom to go out and play with other children. My parents always wanted to make me to focus more on my studies. Unfortunately, it destroyed the possibilities to develop my social skills naturally during the brain development stages. I am not blaming my parents, I love them. This is an analysis in an objective manner. As a person with Aspergers, I have so many difficulties in socialization. Playgrounds would have been a great platform to develop socialization skills, especially for a child like me who liked to play a lot.

Living in a Joint Family System

I grew up in a joint family. Indian joint families might have so many advantages and positive sides. But as a person with Aspergers, the importance of private time and private space were very important for me. People who know other Aspies might understand what I mean. Sometimes I struggle with sensory overload, so I need to shut down for a bit and don't like to connect with other people at that time. Sitting alone for sometime is very important for me to balance life. Generally, the need for such privacy is considered selfish in Indian joint families. It was very difficult to get such private space and time at home. So afterwards I started not to come home and liked to hangout outside more. I am not criticising Indian joint family system, just sharing the difficulties I faced as an Aspie.

The presence of my uncle (father's younger brother) was a gift for me at home. He was very friendly and still is. I have always had the freedom to discuss anything with him fearlessly. Because of the unwanted fear towards father, I never asked him anything directly. Most of the time I took the recommendation of either my mother or my uncle to ask something from my father.

A Hope For Acceptance 

At the age of 33 I got an official diagnosis from the psychiatrist. I showed it to my mother, but she couldn't understand. She still believes I am irresponsible and lazy. Sometimes she compares me with my neighbors and relatives and gives examples.

"He is a very responsible guy."
"He got a good job."
"He runs family well."

I can understand my mother's expectations. But sometimes I expect, if my mother understands my condition as well. She expects her son has to manage family relationships and sibling relationship like how other neurotypical individuals do. Because of her such expectations, sometimes I am forced to come above my level and it leads to unwanted anxieties, negative thinking and even in to meltdowns. But I remember she didn't leave my hand when I was undergoing severe anxiety related to some other personal problems that happened in my life. That time my behavior were socially unacceptable. She was blamed and criticized by others.

Anyway I have lived a wonderful life with my parents regardless of the conflicts and disagreements. At the age of 19, I lost my father. Now my mother is in her seventies and she is under treatment for depression. So I stopped arguing with her. Trying to avoid conflicts with her. Life is the balance between good and bad, happy and sad, positive and negative, right and wrong…… Life goes on…… Life is beautiful!

I still hope my mother will understand my condition one day and will agree with my idea to shift and live somewhere in an inner village very close to nature and animals with less social interaction , because she is the one who always respects my individuality better than anyone despite all the conflicts and disagreements between us.

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