Swati Agrawal on how her unbearable headaches eventually led to a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, coming to terms with the diagnosis and her experience of living with the ups and downs associated her condition.
It all started with body pains. After two years of visiting numerous doctors, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I did not get out of bed for days. And it wasn’t just because of body pain, but because of lack of any will or motivation. I did not recognize myself. I was a different person. I have heard “depression” being described as “lack of vitality”, and that’s the most apt term that could describe me during the year before my diagnosis as a Bipolar Disorder patient. During that time, I was isolated and confused and my mind was in a chaos. I was not thinking straight due to the sense of despair and everything felt like it was falling apart. I would get irritated and annoyed at the smallest thing.
I had lost hope, but I was good at pretending that things are ok. In fact, I was so good that I didn’t even admit to myself how bad things were. I would lie down in my bed wondering what is wrong with me. The nights were the worst. It would take everything not to cry out or cry. The whole body will be riddled with pain that would shift from one spot to another. I would be tired but could not sleep properly. No matter the number of hours I sleep, I would not feel rested.
Terrible and Unbearable Headaches
Things changed with a headache. I had terrible headaches for days. One day it became unbearable and we rushed to the hospital. A neurologist prescribed me a painkiller for my headaches and referred me to a psychologist. I was lucky to meet a doctor who was cognizant of the importance of psychotherapy and could recognize the symptoms as needing psychiatric intervention. Before her, I had met many doctors who were very dismissive of my complaints. They were prejudiced and discriminatory. It was a harrowing journey before I got diagnosed correctly.
I went to see the counselor she recommended and I was diagnosed with Major Depression and General Anxiety Disorder. When I was given anti-depressants, I went into hypomania. I was full of energy and unable to relax. I could not sleep properly. I had grand ideas for projects but did not have the stability to implement them. My impatience and propensity to irritation grew. I was then diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
Disbelief and Relief with Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis
My first reaction to the diagnosis was disbelief. After all, this happens to others, doesn’t it? Not to me! I joined a support group in Delhi. The first few meetings I would constantly emphasize that I did not have Bipolar. It was difficult to believe especially during the good days after starting the medicines. I was torn from inside. I could not get myself to come to terms with this life altering diagnosis for a long time.
It took time before I was strong enough to confront myself and confess to everything which made the diagnosis sound like an obvious one. It was a long time before I realized that I have finally got an answer. I have got an opportunity to redefine myself. Even now, I have moments of despair when I wish that I could be “normal”, but, normalcy is a myth that we have created in this exclusionary world.
Trigger For Change
The truth is that a headache changed my life. I finally had an answer, and I look back to that moment with relief. I live a more fulfilling life now with focus on mind and body balance. I go for regular therapy and take regular medication. Pills keep me free from dark thoughts and have given me my life back. I can recognize myself again. I am a different person though. I now need more routine and balance in my life. It is important to exercise, eat healthy and rest adequately. Balance is the key word.
I work with an NGO now – IDIA Charitable Trust. It is a very inclusive workspace and it gives me a lot of flexibility. I am thankful for the faith that they have put in me. I am also grateful for the opportunity to impact lives positively. I am lucky to have wonderful people in my friends, family and colleagues who support me, and root for me. The diagnosis was an outlet for change, and not just for myself. I use it to spread awareness and try to touch each life that I come in contact with positively. I have learnt to be more empathetic and more in tune with myself, my body and my emotions. I have learnt to be grateful for what I have in my life.
I have some semblance of peace with myself and my diagnosis. The feelings of self-doubt and self-pity continue, but, then, who doesn’t have them? Sometimes I feel very angry that I have to deal with the multitude of ups and downs in my moods and energy level, although, the medicines keep them largely in control. If I have stretches of good times, I again quiz my counselor about correctness of my diagnosis. But, it’s safe to say that I am better and a lot better.
Love Yourself
I am lucky to have doctors who told me that I have Bipolar Disorder and it can be managed. It’s a tough battle and takes a lot of compassion and love for yourself to fight it. The biggest disappointment is the cognitive impairment that comes with Bipolar. It is a struggle to perform at the same level as I did before the illness struck me. With therapy, practice and patience it is possible to fight the cognitive difficulties such as not being able to think straight or focus.
Bipolar has taught me to love myself, others and this life. It has taught me the value of things I took for granted earlier. I have some regrets in my professional and personal lives, but, overall, I am grateful for the life I have.
