Skip to main content
Submitted by PatientsEngage on 8 September 2018
Stock pic of a young girl child with blond hair hugging her mother holding her face and feeling depressed. Image is respresentational only

Parimal Pandit, Clinical Psychologist and Program Director, V-Excel Educational Trust Chennai describes the signs of depression to watch out for, how fathers and mothers react differently and how a special needs family can build resilience.

1.  A journey of a special needs parent goes through many ups and downs. What are the stages at which parents are most vulnerable? (Are these different for a mother v/s a father)

When a child is diagnosed with a chronic condition or a disability, the first reaction of parents is disbelief followed by denial. Subsequently parents go through many different emotions from anger, helplessness to deep depression. These states of emotions are dependent on various factors like the nature and severity of disability, availability of medical help, educational help, support from family and community especially spouse, single parenting, divorces, family conflicts, abandonment, financial and social family structure and belief in something really basic as faith.

If this is the first child , the impact and the blow is very significant. The vulnerability is most when there is no help around and when there is a feeling of constant failures where the child is not progressing at all. To be in the dark space of helplessness is the most vulnerable stage. Sometimes as practitioners we see it when the behavioural problems do not improve and parents feel that their child or ward will never be 'normal'. When the children reach young adulthood many a times there is increase in aggression or OCD or other behavioural issues. That could be one more stage where parents could feel highly frustrated.

The journey could be different for the mother and the father. When the parents are involved in something fulfilling for themselves, then they are able to deal with the disability a little better. It can hit a father when they retire as they then feel the impact fully. The mothers feel burnt out and it may show on their physical health in the form of headaches, aches and pains and other metabolic or respiratory issues. When either of the parent suffers a physical illness the parents feel very anxious and can feel that they just cannot go on this way.

2. Do mothers and fathers express their depression differently? Do these differences affect the relationship? What should they do?

Yes, many a times mothers express it as worry or neglect of the child and oneself or helplessness. Weepiness, lack of sleep, acidity are common symptoms in which the mothers express depression. Denial is very common in fathers. They become either angry with society or with the spouse, who takes on the role of the primary caregiver. Often fathers can get into unhealthy habits or become unstable in sustaining a job. Their performance in their job can deteriorate.

Many a times the relationships of the parents becomes strained with the diagnosis of the disability. In extreme cases there have been instances where the spouses have left the partners when they come to know that the child is disabled. Or sometimes fathers take to submitting themselves to gurus and spirituality abandoning responsibility . The feeling that they have been punished for a sin also can be very strong especially when the father comes from a very orthodox family.

The best way to be able to deal with this situation is to be sensitive to the other person, to be able to with not accuse each other about whose fault is it, to create a common ground to clear differences. 

3. One of the significant factors is lack of acceptance and support from the immediate family - grandparents, aunts, uncles..possibly blaming and shaming. Can you share some experiences and how this can be addressed.

We have seen examples of both where the grandparents have been extremely supportive so that the parents can continue their career to support the family and on the other hand there have been families who have stopped communicating with affected people, shun them, blame , treat them very badly or avoid inviting them for any functions ect. We have tried to address it by holding parent forums, separate sessions for mothers , fathers and grandparents. Holding individual sessions or group sessions programs like grandparents day , parents day . Home visits by school teachers help, having parents and grandparents other family member come and experience the school open days where they take part in the various school activities help. Parent forums help. There is nothing like community awareness programs through various platforms to alleviate the misunderstanding about disability definitely is the need of the hour. The inclusion in larger community starting from extended family is a must.

4. Do we know the tipping point from depression to suicide? What are the signs to watch out for? 

The tipping point can be rejection by community, admission denial, rejection, abandonment by spouse, loss of job, increasing medical complications like epilepsy along with disability or financial difficulties where the parent feels cornered, helpless and worthless. Also the factors mentioned in all the above answers can tip it towards suicide.

Mostly we have seen single parenting, or lack of any kind of support are definitely most significant factors where the depression can lead to suicide. 

Also Read: How Can Parents Of Child With Special Needs Deal With Anxiety, Stress?

 

5. How can a special needs parent ask for help? 

All the special schools must have counsellors who are available for parents. The parents should be able to discuss their difficulties with schools where teachers need to be sensitised about what the parents can go through and what could be the red flags where they need to take professional help. Parents can also approach their doctors, ask for behavioural counselling, couple counselling.

6. How can a special needs family build resilience?

  • Build a support system outside of family
  • To work on their ADLs so that the children become independent in their life skills , then it is easier to deal with adolescence and growing up issues.
  • Not to shy from taking the children for any function
  • Seek help when you feel low and helpless
  • Develop a fulfilling hobby or career, children feel better and confident when their parents are meaningfully engaged
  • Looking at what has been built as a skill or a trait because of being special needs parents e.g. parents tell us that they have become more organised, more kind or humane, learn to relate with community and are less selfish. It is important to see beyond the inconvenience and pain of having a disabled child to look at the larger picture of community building
  • To be able to identify one's own trigger points, tipping points so that help can be asked for.


Clinical Psychologist Parimal Pandit is Program Director, V-Excel Educational Trust Chennai and NGO offering life span services for children and young adults with developmental disability. Instrumental in starting a department of counselling looking after children, trainees, parents, grandparents, teachers as well as staff and admin staff through individual play, music, art therapy and group work and counselling. She is an Internationally Certified Anthroposophic Psychotherapist and Trainer, a philosophy that guides her work deeply.

Condition