Losing someone to suicide can be traumatic. Nyana Sabharwal, who lost her mother to suicide, co-founded We Hear You, a support group for those bereaved by suicide loss, as an important way to heal, cope and overcome grief.
You have set up a unique and distinct peer support group for those bereaved by suicide loss. Could you tell us a little about it?
‘We Hear You’ was set up a year ago to help people who are experiencing bereavement by suicide loss to have a safe space to talk about their emotions, without being judged or asked to move on. This form of bereavement is unique to others, as it is wrapped in questions of why a loved one might choose death, the guilt of not doing enough and the stigma that society has levied upon this very grave loss. A friend of mine, Ashni, also the co-founder lost her father to suicide three years ago, and was looking at ways to heal. Since I had lost my mother to suicide, we were able to talk about it and it made both of us feel much better. We then approached Dr. Dadachanji, a psychiatrist in Mumbai and she supported us in starting this group. It is important to note that is a support group and is not therapy.
Your support group is run by individuals who have been bereaved by suicide themselves. What is the thought process behind it?
As mentioned earlier, both the co-founder Ashni and I have lost our parents to suicide. I had not spoken about my mother in 20 years. But, when Ashni lost her father I shared my loss with her. She felt that talking to people who experienced the grief was helpful to her in coming to terms with the loss. We realised that there are many people out there who are experiencing this tragedy and it would be a way to reach out to people who may benefit from a support group for suicide loss. Ashni was reading some books on bereavement as a way to overcome her grief, and chanced upon support groups as an important way to heal and cope. We decided that since there were none in Mumbai, we should start one together. That gave birth to ‘We Hear You’. We kept it only to a peer group that is run and developed by those who understand the grief to ensure it is a safe space and an authentic space to heal.
How do you support someone through bereavement and loss?
Our group is about talking and sharing cathartically. There is no advise or judgement, especially because we all have gone through or going through the pain of the loss, albeit in different stages. There is no fixed plan, it flows from the group and grows from there. The act of just being able to speak about your loved one is very powerful. Most of us miss the space to talk about the loved one as nobody at home, or friends want to talk about the person, almost as though they never existed. This causes a lot of inner grief and pain, which is addressed here. The person remains a loved one.
Could you spell out 5 tips to console a grieving adult?
I think our group would agree, in no particular order
- Allowing the grieving adult to have the space to talk about what they are feeling and experiencing.
- Not to minimize the pain or the loss
- Listen, without Judgement
- Talking about the loved one, keeping the memories alive
- Giving them the time they need, not asking them to move on
How can I help someone cope with bereavement (Infographic)
Are there any approaches one should avoid with a bereaved person?
- Asking them to move on
- Giving advice
- Calling the person a coward or any other such names
What are the challenges you’ll face in engaging or building bridges with a grieving person?
A grieving person knows if you will spend the time to listen, with sincerity and authenticity. The challenge is to find it in oneself to make oneself available to just listen.
It is common for a grieving person to be depressed. What are some of the symptoms to watch out for in depression?
There is data that says 60% of bereaved by suicide are at risk of suicide themselves. There is a lot of guilt that is attached to losing someone to suicide. That does lead to depression in many cases. One needs to watch out for both signs for suiciding behaviours as well as depression. These might include; the person talking about dying themselves, isolation, loss of participation in activities, prolonged sadness.
Inspirational - Recovering after my son's suicide
India has a high suicide rate. Does 'We Hear You' also promote some suicide prevention strategies?
We Hear You has a sister concern, SafeSpace that is working in the space of Suicide Prevention. It not only provides Suicide interventions, but also training programs to help a larger audience develop the skills to identify warning signs, intervene and create a safety plan for an individual at risk. This program is called Suicide First Aid, and provides First Aid training within this space. We believe that actual programs and skill development in this area that is the need of the hour.
How do you work to increase awareness and reduce the stigma associated with depression and suicide?
Our work is focussed on suicide. Wherever we can, we write articles, and participate at events/conclaves to talk about suicide and increase awareness. Our website has a blog where those affected by suicide post about their healing journeys. We have developed a booklet called “Support after a Suicide”, which helps families and friends learn to support close members who have lost a loved one to suicide. It is important that people know where they can seek help. People refrain from seeking help because of the stigma, which is a big concern in our country. Most people don’t know enough about Suicide or other Mental Health concerns.
Through our training program there will be a lot more understanding about Suicide and other forms of Mental Health concerns like Depression, Anxiety and Mood Disorders and where and how to receive help.
What have been the testimonials from those who have attended the sessions at We Hear You?
The truth about loss of suicide is that it silences us for life. I spoke about my mother after 20 years, some people in our group have spoken after 40 years and have found it tremendously healing.
- "I did not know how much I needed this- to talk about it and heal. I was not sure if I wanted to come here at first, but I am so glad I did. I finally feel I have some closure."
- Member of the group (bereaved by suicide)
Our group members who did not talk about their loss to even their closest family are now writing articles on bereavement loss. There is no greater testament to their healing, and we are grateful for that.
Who can join the support group? Is it only for individuals or even for groups and families?
Anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide can join this group. It is for individuals and families.
