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Submitted by Pravritti on 2 June 2019
A young boy in a blue kurta walking hand in hand with his friend in yellow t-shirt and jeans in a hotel lobby

Rohini Singh, mother of an 11 year old child with special needs, introspects on how sometimes parents themselves are guilty of not giving their children an opportunity to be loved and accepted the way they are.

And yet again, an event has led me to think what we as parents of children with special needs demand from the rest of the world to do but not have it in us. Yes, I am talking about the words ‘acceptance, inclusion’. We ask the world to accept and include our children the way they are, to respect our children the way they are, but when we get an opportunity to do it ourselves, we have excuses to not do it.

Are we really accepting our children and respecting them the way they are, or do we prefer to play the victim game talking about how unfair life has been to us, how our children are not considered a part of the society?

Why do I feel that today? 

Yet again, a special mom, from the school my child goes to, invited all the children with special needs for her son’s birthday celebrations and just two amongst the more than 24 children accepted the invitation. 

Shunning Invitations

Birthday parties are something every child likes. So, why is that when an opportunity comes knocking – which rarely happens - we find other things more important than the opportunity to be accepted, included and celebrated. We try so hard to teach social skills to our children, ready to pay so much for it but when the real opportunity comes, we find excuses to miss it. Are we not being unreasonable with our children and with other children?

We want acceptance in the neurotypical world but we are not ready to accept our child completely and unconditionally in the world he is invited to. Even I want my child to be accepted in the neurotypical world but that doesn’t mean that I should shun the ‘special world’ invitation.

I know that occupational therapy is important, swimming sessions are important but isn’t missing the session once worth the smile on the faces of our children. I hear excuses that we have time but we don’t know the mother, who has sent the invitation. Well, is our knowing and liking the mother more important than the fact that she has opened her heart for our children? She knows it will not be easy but still for the sake of her child she is ready to walk that extra mile. Should we not respect and support her for this acceptance and respect? And we know that the children are comfortable as they see each other everyday in school. They might not talk or share stories of school and their friends much but they are have memories and experiences together. Shouldn’t we also try to become a part of that memory with their friends?

I also hear an excuse that the other sibling who is neurotypical will not enjoy. I do not have a neurotypical child to comment with first-hand experience but I believe that the 'special needs child would normally not be invited for the birthday party the neurotypical child has been invited for but the parents will find it comfortable to send the child as he can manage on his own. When we as parents are not ready to accept our 'special' child then why do we complain that the world is not accepting our child, that we are not invited for weddings and social events with our children.

Accept and Celebrate

Amritansh, (pictured in a blue kurta with his friend Abhi in yellow t-shirt and jeans in the pic above) is my 11 year old son on the autism spectrum, who had never been invited to any birthday party and I had never invited his friends for his birthday party either. So last year we decided to celebrate his birthday with his friends from school. I sent in the invitation to all the special needs parents from the school, but only 4 turned up. I had planned everything keeping the needs of the children and the parents - valet parking, finger food, secure venue, clean washrooms, sensitised staff and sensory pleasing indoors - so I was more than a little disappointed.

But then I was happy to see the ones who came and what a party all of us had. It was so nice to see the bonding between them. All of them were ‘special’ in different ways but shared the same vibration of happiness. All of them lacked speech but they communicated among themselves so well. They were not bothered about what they got as a return gift and what the other friend got; all they did was enjoy the moment.

5 children with Special Needs enjoying a Birthday Party

All of them behaved so well throughout without the help of their parents. They knew what they wanted to eat, what they wanted to share and when they needed to stand in line and wait for. No one had to ask them to wait for the ice cream while it is being made or communicate for them as to what all things they want to be included in that ice cream. All of them were so clear with what they want and how to get it. They shared their food and checked on their friends’ plate to see if they were missing something in theirs. It was lovely to see them so independent. Why do we as parents not give them this opportunity to be happy and to be responsible to themselves whenever we can? If given opportunity there is so much we could learn from them too.

Sharing happiness

My son was so happy to see his 4 friends and teachers that I got kisses from him without even asking. He understood that it’s his day and that he would be getting gifts. He is a child who would never take anything from anyone but that day he learnt to receive gifts. He was apprehensive in the beginning and I had to hold his hand while receiving but later he understood that the gifts are for him. He slept with his teeth still shining from under his lips. As a mother, the extra mile I walked to arrange things were worth every moment.  My son will remember this for years to come. Let’s make happy memories with whatever we have and we will get what we deserve.

Abhi's mom Shilpa said: "Its the first birthday party that Abhi has been invited to and I have willingly sent him. He was thrilled."

The world is cruel to our children, we crib, but aren't we cruel to them by not giving them the opportunity to be loved and accepted the way they are. Let us accept before we expect the world to accept. A child is a child irrespective of their neurodiversity and special needs.

I always say that celebration will come only after understanding and accepting  Neurodiversity is to be celebrated.

Rohini Singh is a certified RDI consultant and Brain Gym 101 certfied
 

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