Shallu Arora, 46, a proud homemaker with 2 beautiful daughters and currently living with advanced metastatic ovarian cancer, says it is best to reconcile with your situation. What keeps her going are the little pleasures she seeks like spending time with family, digging into noodles and enjoying coffee with friends. Read her heartfelt journey.
I cannot be cancer free
I know I cannot be cancer free. I know this is my situation. I have to reconcile with it. I am not trying to fight it anymore. As long as I can slow it down, and not let it grow rapidly, I am okay. I am actually okay with a little bit of disease in my body. Initially, I would be flustered, that I have to do this, I had to do that. But now it doesn’t matter. I am learning to say ‘no’. I am okay being with cancer. It doesn’t matter.
I do have a lot of low moments. I had a lot of chemo induced depression. But my husband helped me to get out of it. He provides me huge emotional support. He manages the girls beautifully. He listens to me patiently. You just want someone to listen to you. I know he cannot have answers to all my questions, but he does immense research for me. Every two to three months, he has something new to offer me in terms of telling me this treatment has come, we can do this, we can do that. That sort of gets me motivated. If he is not giving up, how can I.
I just feel that good family support matters a lot. Good friends matter a lot.
It is so important to listen to what your body is telling you
I have always had simple, basic needs in life. I exercised regularly and always ate healthy food. Life was great.
Trouble started around March 2014, when I began experiencing extreme fatigue. It was different from normal fatigue in the sense that by 5.30-6 in the evening I would just pass out. I had no energy even to stand still. There was no other issue. Everything was normal. My periods would come and go every month like a routine. I just had fatigue. I reasoned with myself, ‘Maybe I am getting old, I am a small eater, I exercise a lot.’ Though in the morning I would be fit and fine again, doing my normal chores, driving around, dropping both my girls for their classes and picking them up.
I remained active but the mistake I made was that I did not listen to the signals my body was giving me and that I did not do comprehensive and complete medical check-ups every 6 months.
In 2014 June, my mom had a massive heart attack. Her illness took a huge toll on me. I was enormously stressed. Fortunately, she recovered soon. Then I decided to go on a holiday. I went to Istanbul to visit my close friend. When I landed, she told me, ‘You look extremely sick’. I told her I had lost weight because my mother had a heart attack. We reached home, and in the evening she said let’s go out. But I was so exhausted and overcome with fatigue that I didn’t want to step out at all. In fact, most of my holidays were spent at home. The fatigue had become excruciating and all I could do was sit in one place.
Making the diagnosis
I finished my holiday and I came back. The very next day I had severe backache, followed by unbearable lower abdomen pain. The pain continued for 2 days. When I felt a little better, I visited my gynaecologist. She did a physical check-up and said that she suspected a tumour. That turned me cold. You know, I didn’t believe it at first, even though the biopsy indicated a tumour. I sent it back for second biopsy. But once again it confirmed a tumour. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 C ovarian cancer.
I can’t say after that I was alright. That would be a lie. I was scared. There was a lot of uncertainty. My children were scared. For them cancer meant that I am not going to live. But I just stood in the middle of the house and announced it to everybody that, “Listen, I am not going anywhere. You be rest assured.”
Touch wood, I had immense support from my parents and my husband. They provided me with emotional and physical support of a different level. I mean I could ask for anything, and it was done. From the house point of view, or my children, everything was taken care. So from that perspective, I was very comfortable.
Remission not possible
And that’s how my journey started. It was Stage 3 ovarian cancer. Because I caught it so late, remission was not possible. In my case it had spread quite a bit. I have had complete hysterectomy. I was lucky to have a great surgeon in Dr Harit Chaturvedi and then a great oncologist in Dr. Nitesh Rohatgi. Dr Rohatgi is brilliant. It is because of him I am still going strong. He is empathetic, humble with zero ego. And very accessible.
Post-surgery I have had multiple rounds of chemotherapy and targetted therapy. I initially took 18 chemotherapy sessions. I am on and off on chemo. It is never over for me. I just did radiation. The cancer had travelled to the supraclavicular lymph nodes near the collar bone, and so I required radiation.
Right now I am on a break because I just finished radiation. In another two weeks I have my scan. And I’ll get to know whether I have responded or not responded. Then I’ll most likely have to start chemo again.
When will these frequent visits to the hospital end? It is extremely frustrating but I know that pain and treatment are ongoing, and will always be a part of my life.
Personally, you know the first year was bad. Now I think there is no fear in me, but there is more of irritability. And there is more of acceptance now.
My challenges
My biggest challenge was getting out of the "Why me" mentality. How could this happen to me? God has let me down. I felt like the victim. What wrong had I done? Counselling and chanting helped me to get through this phase.
The other challenge was being dependent on others. It hurt my ego. The fact that I could not just pick up the car and go out. I had to call people and say could you do this for me. It also hurt to see my husband and my parents suffer. For my mother, accepting my condition has been difficult. Though she is very strong, she hasn’t accepted it till today. And when I see my husband what worries me is that I am not going to be able to give him company for too long. I know I can’t go on like this for too long.
I have become more positive. I have become a better human being. I have begun to appreciate the small moments of joy in my everyday life. A spontaneous dance with my girls, going shopping with them, sharing their tub of icecream. If one of my friends call me for coffee, it excites me.
Despite all the pain, I know that remaining positive is all in the mind. Watching my girls grow up is what motivates me to keep going, to keep fighting.
