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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 27 May 2019
A profile pic of a smiling Ganesh N. Rajan with spectacles and a black and white peppered beard in a red shirt with black background

Ganesh N Rajan, 59 from Chennai, a management consultant and now an author shares the symptoms that led to his diagnosis of Schizophrenia at 19 and how pro-active treatment and management allowed him to lead a full and productive life in terms of family relationships and at work.

Ganesh, please tell us a little bit about yourself

I was born into a semi-orthodox ‘TamBram’ family. I have two brothers, one older and one younger, and one sister, the youngest. I was given a lot of freedom and never denied anything by my parents. One could also say I had a sense of entitlement and never learnt to be grateful in my early days. I was also a loner with no firm friends. I used to spend my school recess alone.

Most of my schooling was in Bangalore. I joined an engineering college there. In my first year at college, I was approached by a girl, and set out on a relationship, which I knew I did not want as permanent. I always thought “This will do for now”. But, the relationship grew intense

I started experiencing my first symptoms, suspicions and doubt regarding the girl. I grew lackadaisical about my academics and spent most of my time in this relationship. Then I met with an accident while riding my mobike to college for an academic examination. Although I was totally unprepared for the exam, I believed that the answers would come at the venue, plucked from my imagination. The floridness of my symptoms reached an inflection point following this accident.

I kept silent for two continuous days and nights after the accident as I did not know who I could trust. I felt anything I said would be misconstrued and used against me by others. I was also experiencing hallucinations and delusions. I eventually broke my silence and my responses helped with my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia at the age of 19. I lost three academic years as I could not cope. Still, I steadfastly continued my medication. I was eventually able to study, albeit with some tutoring. I went back and finished college creditably after responding successfully to being treated for the condition.

I joined my first job with a leading Indian engineering group in sales. I did not reveal my condition to my employers. I met my wife who was also a colleague in the same company. We grew closer by exchanging letters as she was based in Delhi and me in Bangalore. I told her about my condition after she got to know me better. We were married within a year.

In 6 months of getting married, I got my Visa to study in the USA. I joined a mid-western college and was funded for one semester by a family guru. I then got a scholarship the very next semester and was joined by my wife in the States. I completed a double Masters, again creditably. I used to get my medicine sent through people visiting USA from India.

We moved to south-west USA as my wife got a job there. My son was born then. I doted on him. I found employment as a consultant in a Fortune 500 company in the same city. When my wife got pregnant again, we decided to come back to India. I changed 3 jobs in India before settling for a long stint with a private SME

In retrospect, I put up a façade of superiority in the early days, and was genuinely productive and delivering value only later on in my life and in my career. I think I put up a façade because I felt a sense of inadequacy deep down. I always compared myself with others. I saw many everyday statements by others as attempts to be one-up on me.

Though the symptoms had stopped due to medication, my negative thinking was a burden. Consequently, I went for counselling sessions where I learned to let go negative thoughts. I also learnt that it was okay to feel emotions appropriate to the situation. Importantly, I learnt there is no such thing as a perpetual blue sky.

Meanwhile, my wife’s career was growing in leaps and bounds. I started taking smaller assignments to manage both work and home. I authored a book in my spare time that shared my insights as a patient with schizophrenia.

The three main insights are:

(1) Meet your fate; make your destiny - Fate being what you meet, and destiny how you meet it.

(2) Realize you are unique - There never was and will never be a collection of atoms such as yourself, and

(3) Know [your] betterment in every circumstance - There is some way you are inexorably getting better where all is grist to your mill.

Looking back, I think that the book could have been informative but was hard to read. In my effort to say the exact thing, I had relied on complex vocabulary and sentence constructions.

When I turned 59, my wife had reached a professional pinnacle. She is still growing professionally. My chores now mostly revolve around the house. I have once again used my spare time to write another book, this time fiction, but on the same theme of schizophrenia. I hope it will help to dispel myths, lessen stigma and provide psycho-education in a more easily digestible manner than my earlier work.

Describe your first symptoms in detail

The symptoms started with innocuous olfactory hallucinations. These smells ranged from perfumes to garbage. This was followed by hearing people talking in asides, auditory hallucinations. I was first suspicious of a girl with whom I was romantically involved. Then I began to grow suspicious of everyone. I further believed I was born to reveal a supreme divine truth.

I then concluded that what I smelt was contextual - Bad smells for bad intentions and good ones for good intentions. Besides these, I could hear voices of people who I felt were against me. They were perpetually criticizing me. I also thought I could listen to other people’s thoughts as if they were speaking them out aloud, ventriloquist style. Additionally, I began reading meaning into the gestures of the people around me.

I experienced strange visitations by a cat in the middle of the night. The cat would jump up on to my window sill at the exact moment of an arguably profound thought. I also saw the reflection of someone else, along with a strong stench of urine, when I was standing in front of a mirror, again in the middle of the night. Once, I saw a papier-mâché doll opening and closing its eyes with intense stares and a look that followed me everywhere. I also saw the footprint of the first man on the moon, etched in light on the floor, and a whole host of other unreal visions.

I was delusional as well. I suspected that a boy, a help in the household, was ridiculing me. This was the first time I was violent. There were a couple of incidents of slapping people as well. Again, I clearly remember it was always when I felt I was being ridiculed.

I also experienced grandiosity. I felt that I somehow owned everything around me - A parked car, the garlands of a flower seller, the luxury watches on a billboard, and so on. I could even tell that the passing motorcade of a political figure was all for me.

What medications were you put on? Were there any side effects and how did you deal with them?

Schizophrenia. Trifluoperazine (Espazine). Today, I take a combination of different meds to manage my condition.

I was feeling sedated at first till my body learnt to metabolize the meds at the appropriate rate. This sedation went away (however, I still need 9 hours of sleep to this day). I also experienced phenothiazine reactions initially. These were controlled by adding Pacitane, an additional medicine.

How did your diagnosis alter your life plans?

Further studies : This delayed my graduation. But medication helped me complete my engineering, then a Master’s in Social and Applied Economics and a Master’s in International Business. These Masters were at a mid-western University in USA with a full assistantship. I did not reveal my diagnosis.

Work: I felt a little different from my colleagues. Did my work, but didn’t share much. I was dismissive of any praise that came my way. This was probably because I felt inadequate deep down. And also on account that I felt I was putting up a façade. I did not reveal my diagnosis.

Marriage and family relationships: My immediate and extended family, all came to know of my condition. I am glad to say that all were supportive. My parents did not take me to a witchdoctor or do bizarre rituals. My wife and subsequently my children were and are empathetic.

Any incidents that you would like to share

While waiting in a doctor’s reception, I felt my uncle was having a ‘face-off’ with another man just because of the way they had crossed their legs while sitting. The solution to bring peace between them I felt was to do a ‘Sirusaasan’, (the yogic pose of standing on one’s head). The thing to note is that when questioned by the doctor immediately after this as to why I did it, I felt amused at its absurdity.

Any related complications or co-morbidities that you would like to share? And how do you manage them?

About 4 years ago I grew very averse to risk and began to have anxiety attacks when faced with some decisions, but these were spaced well apart in time, hence not requiring a regular medication. I was advised an additional medication to use as an SOS when I felt that panic. This works wonderfully. I haven’t had the need to use it often, probably averaging about once in 4 months. I have had nothing to report as alarming since these attacks, and I am able to function normally.

What kind of specialists do you consult and how often? 

I only see and talk to my psychiatrist now. Sometimes, when I am overstimulated by a movie, or an intense discussion, I experience what I call ‘fringe’ symptoms, auditory hallucinations just in the audible range. I am told that some people wake up from sleep with these kinds of voices, which then automatically subside on complete wakefulness. For me, these fringe symptoms subside in about 5 to 10 minutes post the overstimulating event.

I also need a good 9 hours sleep. Before I changed my lifestyle in respect to health, I experienced sleep apnea and had to use a CPAP machine. After becoming conscious of my body’s fitness needs, including what I put into it, I no longer needed the apparatus.

Have you had to make some changes to your lifestyle because of your condition?

I was a heavy smoker and developed a taste for junk food. While I cannot say a change in lifestyle was caused by schizophrenia, it certainly contributed to my decision to look after my body. I quit smoking 10 years ago. Then, I began to watch my diet. After that I began to exercise. My change in lifestyle has changed my emotions and contributed to my maturity as well as my health. I now feel much more in control; I also sleep well and rarely feel tired.

Have you tried complementary medicine or therapies, like homeopathy or yoga?

Yes. But, there was no dramatic change as I experienced with allopathy.

Has it been difficult emotionally to cope with your condition?

Yes. The biggest nag is a feeling of inadequacy - A difficulty to love myself. Despite logically/ intellectually understanding that I am unique, I am not able to emotionally experience and rejoice in that uniqueness.

Have you learnt anything in managing your condition that you wish you knew before?

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Reach out. Reach out. Reach out.

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