World Suicide Prevention Day 2016
Yuna Angell realises, after several attempts at suicide, that life is too sacred to be lost like this. She advises people with suicidal tendencies to reach out for help in times of desperation, because everyone matters in life.
The two songs I love to listen to when I have suicidal thoughts are “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry and “Vincent (Starry Starry Night)” by Don McLean. I would read the lyrics online while I listened intently to the songs, encouraging myself to have more courage to face the end. I would try and reason with myself that it was a bittersweet and poetic thing to commit suicide. I was in desperation to escape from the sufferings in my life. And yet, is there anyone who never suffers in Life on Earth at some point or other in their entire lives? But I convinced myself that I was truly alone, which was totally untrue of course.
“And when no hope was left in sight. On that starry, starry night. You took your life, as lovers often do.” Vincent Van Gogh, the famous painter, committed suicide, and he wasn’t even that famous when he was alive. Don McLean’s song was written for Vincent Van Gogh. Vincent had mental illness and that really made me feel as if I had a role model. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2004, and I attempted suicide and survived in 2005. Reflecting upon this, I remember that I would tell myself, “Maybe people would finally care if I killed myself. Maybe they would then live in misery for life, with guilt and regret piercing their hearts.”
In 2005, I lost almost everything along with being struck by severe schizophrenia. I was not clear-minded and was hearing voices that constantly told me to go kill myself too, other than feeling utterly defeated and depressed about the struggles I had in life, including a failed relationship. I flew from Singapore to one of the cities in Australia. I then took a bus to the countryside with a bottle of bleach I bought from the supermarket. I tried to pour some bleach in the cap to try it out but somehow, my hands were shaking terribly and while I sobbed uncontrollably, the bottle of bleach accidentally fell to the floor and the bleach was everywhere on the floor. I couldn’t care anymore and just drank the bleach from the cap.
The strong bleach smell and the way the bleach burned my mouth and throat as it went down my oesophagus and down to the stomach had a strong impact, and I collapsed to the ground, unable to breathe and then I blacked out. I chose to do it this way, so that no one would find me and rescue me since it was a secluded area in the countryside. But some people found me and called the ambulance. It was a long ride from the countryside to the city hospital, and the medics told me the doctors would pump my stomach to save my life as I awoke by breathing into the oxygen mask. When the doctors came to attend to me, they just told me I didn’t drink enough bleach to die. I didn’t get my stomach pumped and they linked me up with all sorts of wires on my body for monitoring purposes and I was left like that overnight.
When I went back to Singapore, I still had to pay for the hospital medical bills that I incurred in Australia, despite my disappointment and sadness for surviving suicide. On and off later on, over the years, I would try to jump from tall buildings in Singapore. But every time I tried to lift my leg up over the ledge, someone would come out of their apartments to look around the cabinets outside and notice me, or someone would happen to walk by and see me. I would always feel shocked and shy if someone saw me attempting suicide. I wanted no drama, no rescuing and just no witnesses. So whenever that happened, I’d retreat and run away as fast as I could. Eventually, I stopped trying to kill myself. I told myself I probably need to relax because no matter what I tried, I kept getting saved. I thought to myself that maybe there was some reason I kept surviving suicidal attempts.
“The sharp knife of a short life.” This line from The Band Perry song just makes me feel powerful to be able to impact others trying to die young. I would be remembered forever at the young age I would have died by suicide. I was just so depressed and in such desperation to make the pain stop. I thought death was the only way out.
But slowly miracles happened in my life. And they kept happening, one after another. There were still some sufferings in between some miracles, but I could see that I mattered. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you should be apologetic to be alive or to “take up space on Earth”. We all have a purpose, for some many purposes, for being here on Earth. I truly believe that it is the follies of mortal humans that create the crap in life.
I chose to live Life because Life is sacred. You are never alone. Please reach out for help if you are feeling desperation and suicidal. We all matter. Yes, even you.
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