She went through abuse, gaslighting and more but she could not walk out. Kavita (name changed on request) shares her experience, her thought process and the various approaches she tried over the years and what appears to finally be working.
Reframing to regain mental equilibrium
More than thirty years ago, I married Prakash (not his real name), a gentle, much-liked, handsome colleague. As life added stresses - job, commutes, family - Prakash changed into a man quick to anger, explode at me, and use lies, sarcasm and gaslighting repeatedly. For almost twenty years now, he regularly dumps huge amounts of negative energy at me, when there are no witnesses, but remains genial with outsiders.
Prakash’s rage episodes occur every 3-4 weeks, sometimes oftener.
Episodes get triggered anytime. He can’t find an important document, a Government portal is slow, he has to wear a COVID mask, his monthly blood tests are due, he forgot he left water boiling and the pan is burnt. He claims he would not bother about any of these except that I would make a big deal of it. If I say I have said nothing, he says, but you would have. I am a fault finder, have always been unfair to him. His only substantiation for such statements is that his life would have been cool except for me - no doctors, no medicines, no trying to file taxes in time, no COVID mask, because he doesn’t care. His life is miserable because “you are the person you are”. Anything he is frustrated or irritated about or feeling inadequate about becomes is twisted into my fault. When enraged, his face becomes hard and twisted in scorn. He lies about incidents. Then suddenly, while still raging, he demands a hug; when I can’t respond as I am still in shock, he says, I knew you don’t love me.
Sometimes the trigger is more directly traceable to me. Like, he tells me something and I don’t seem enthusiastic or appreciative enough. Or if I look tense or distracted because of my work, he assumes I am angry with him. If I ask him about task that he was supposed to, he claims I don’t trust him (usually this happens if he forgot that work). But at other times, he is quite normal in similar situations. It is pretty unpredictable
Episodes last anywhere from one to three days, several hours each day. often accompanied with indirect physical intimidation like pinning me down on the bed or banging his head or fist on a wall. He doesn’t hit me.
That rage subsides only after he is spent and I seem suitably “broken”. A brief “apology” follows where he admits that he behaved obnoxiously but explains that at that time he wanted to hurt me because at that time, he felt I deserved it. He promises it will never happen again, a promise broken within weeks. At a monthly frequency (it has often been more) for so many years, this is over two hundred battering episodes, promises, and broken promises.
Another problem was that he would demand sex at any odd time and get very upset if I refused. At times he forced me. For example, he would wake me up in the middle of the night for sex, not taking “no” for an answer, and not letting me sleep till I faked an orgasm.
The only improvement over these years is that he doesn’t bully me into excessive sex. Other than that, rage episodes occur regularly. The statements condemning me as a person remain unchanged, but specific complaints change to match the current scenario. After his major setbacks, the episodes got worse. But even when life is smooth, explosions occur around monthly, sometimes preceded by a depressive mood. Perhaps the high from the rage is addictive, even if it leaves an aftertaste of regret.
In the earlier years, I thought things would improve. Then I realized he was not really trying to change. It felt demeaning to know my partner gets a high by hurting and mocking me. At times I wondered if it was true that I was “bad” for him. Then I would pull myself up, look for facts, and see he was gaslighting me. I would wake up at night, sobbing and shaking, utterly helpless. I had no outlet for my own frustration, and no support.
For part of this period, I was also a carer for an ailing elder. Joint work projects (which we used to execute earlier as we were from the same profession) with Prakash were not possible. I switched to work I could do from home. Prakash behaved as if my new work and care responsibilities were trivial, and my main role was providing him fun and relaxation.
Here, I share some key lessons from years of coping with Prakash’s behaviour, along with the approach I am currently using.
Understanding what is “wrong”
After Prakash’s misbehaviour crossed a threshold, I researched for possible mental illnesses and reached “borderline personality disorder” as his behaviour matched the checklist. On a day he was calm, I showed it to him, he agreed the label fit. He even visited a psychiatrist who confirmed the “diagnosis” and suggested some emotional control exercises.
He was infuriated when he returned from the psychiatrist. He said that I should be the one visiting a psychiatrist because “you are the one with problems.” He discarded the psychiatrist’s advice and available resources - books, forums, etc. The “diagnosis” did not help me either - all suggested tips were impractical. I don’t know how correct that diagnosis was, as he met the psychiatrist only once.
My impression that labels by themselves don’t always help was reconfirmed, years later, when Prakash suffered major setbacks that forced him to stop work. He was really down. He chanced upon a depression questionnaire where his score indicated major depression. For months , convinced nothing would help him, his moods swung up and down with no visible trigger but he refused to consult a professional or read books on CBT or consider tools or forums, or even talk about it.
One day, in an anger fit, he talked of suicide. Alarmed, I somehow convinced him to teleconsult with a psychiatrist. Apparently, Prakash told the psychiatrist only about his rage, not his depression. He never consulted her again.
How could any mental illness label help Prakash when he refused to consider treatment or counselling, or any other action!
Another label that applied was “abuse” but that label doesn’t help in the least! On the few occasions I have mentioned that he was an “abuser” that just added to the bucket of things he used to rage and mock me about. And thinking of myself as being abused is disempowering.
Setting boundaries, a very common recommendation, made me feel worse.
I really felt having a fair set of boundaries to get space to heal from the impact of repeated episodes He insisted boundaries were unnecessary and impinged on his rights. At one point, he agreed that if I went to my room and closed the door, he would let me alone. But whenever I tried it, he kept knocking and calling out till I gave up and came out. Then, upset that I dared to want to stay away, he would either explode again or start sobbing about how bad he was. I still have no idea what his “truth” is.
Frankly, I felt more violated, disrespected and unsafe by his boundary violation than I did without boundaries.
On separating
After one particularly cruel verbal battering, I felt I just had to get out of the relationship.
So, I thought of what a separation would require, but it was scary. Everything in our lives was joint - finances, social circles, work circles. - and as the extrovert, he was everyone’s point of contact. To separate, I would need to unentangle joint holdings and also get blamed, as no one had ever seen him mistreat me. Anyway, people usually don’t “interfere” or they expect the woman to adjust. I also knew Prakash would resist any separation, given his need for someone to bear with his emotional tantrums. Also, my care responsibilities reduced my flexibility and drained my energy.
My realization that I could not separate increased my sense of being trapped and helpless.
Some years later, though, Prakash’s setbacks increased his dependence on me for health and other areas. Like me, he had no close support. Good or bad, we just had each other. At this point, I discarded any idea of separating. Instead, I would figure out how to find peace in spite of his behaviour and support him in the areas he was dependent for.
My decision to continue is not defeatist or driven by martyr mindset as a judgmental friend labelled it. It is a conscious choice I consider most practical after weighing the pros and cons - at least, as of now.
Attempts to block out this aspect of life backfired
When the elder I was looking after for died and my carer role ended, my life developed a vacuum overnight. But I also knew this could be a time to change things.
Prakash had one of his worst rages when I suggested we start afresh. He pinned me down, and said I was an awful negative person, incapable of changing. Nothing between us could ever improve. It went on for hours.
Still grieving the elder’s death, and shocked at getting battered instead of getting sympathy or support, I decided I must emotionally compartmentalize off the Prakash part, deaden myself to him, to somehow make a life for myself.
I did not know then that shrinking one part of life would shrink my entire life. I felt perpetually constrained, wary and dead inside. My ability to experience flow and joy reduced. My hypertension started around that time. It took me almost six years to realize that feeling hurt and pain was better than such numbness and fragmentation.
Privacy and taking me-time.
Privacy and me-time have been a major casualty for me, as Prakash demands attention whenever he has a need.
Even when I am visibly engrossed in work, he interrupts with some irrelevant trivial titbit and expects me to chat about it. For many years I explained to him that such interruptions spoil my work flow, pointing out that he would not interrupt an office colleague. I needed around 2-3 hours of interruption free time a day but somehow he never understood this or kept forgetting it. It seemed to violate his right to spontaneity.
Things changed a lot after reframing the situation.
I used to see Prakash as an adult partner being disrespectful of me, breaking promises he made, deliberately lying to me, mocking me and wanting to hurt and intimidate me into collapse or submission. His behaviour and his own statements matched this model. Naturally, I felt trapped, angry or helpless. I tried to stay calm, suppress my reaction and frustration, but he would continue till I seemed to break.
Things changed when, instead of trying to change my reaction, I changed my interpretation of the episodes. I realized he is trapped by his conditioning to behave in ways that he regrets later. He lacks inner resources for change. In fact, if I had to choose, I preferred my situation (being subjected to his verbal battering) over his situation (getting emotionally hijacked to act in ways he regrets later).
In his last five out-of-control episodes, I used this perspective while being yelled at. I was able to look at him and wonder how terrible he must be feeling. Even when he clenched his fist so tight that his nails dug into his palms and blood dripped on the floor I did not feel intimidated.
I have noticed that he interrupts more when restless, bored or overexcited. And it is simplest if I give him the emotional validation he needs. I am still working on ways to get me-time without making him feel insecure or excludes.
It took some effort but I now understand that he may not change in spite of his promises and intention. Fact is, we all do things that are not good for us - sometimes we try to change but don’t manage, sometimes we don’t even try. The book “How We Change (and 10 Reasons Why We Don't)” by Dr Ross Ellenhorn reinforced this understanding for me. I hope Prakash finds a way to deal with his insecurities, cravings and fears - and I will support if he asks - but it has to come from within him. I am not waiting for him to change.
It has been liberating to truly appreciate, deep in my heart, that his explosions are unprocessed feelings externalized on the easiest target and not personal attacks. I no longer suppress my reaction to keep quiet when being yelled; my silence is more driven by peace. I think he may sense the difference, too, as partners are often sensitive to minuscule facial shifts; at least he has not tried to drag on the last few episodes too long. Also, after the episode, the impact on me fades off fast instead of making me feel cowed down and trapped for days. I am definitely at a better place now than I have been for years.
For many years, these sudden, intense episodes yanked me out of my day, and I considered them robbers of time and energy, hindering my life. With reduced impact, they are less of a hinderance. And maybe lessons from these will help me handle more challenging situations later.
