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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 11 September 2017

Read the first person account of two suicide attempt survivors. We bring you these details especially to draw your attention to the fact that many suicides can be stopped and prevented by just a small quantum of compassion and consideration shown by family and friends. A desire to be heard without judgement is the common theme that emerged from both survivors.

Trigger Warning

First Interview

Interview of a teenage girl with a helpline team after her third attempt at suicide.

What brought you to the brink?

I decided that I wanted to end my life when my elder brother locked me in a room and beat me so hard that I couldn’t move. This has happened before in the presence of my elder sister, mother and a younger sister. Nobody cared to intervene. In fact, they supported my brother all the way. The reason why I was being beaten up was that I did not follow their advice on how I should lead my life. They opposed everything I did: talk to boys, socialise with the girls in my class, use my mobile phone – everything that a normal teenager does.  They felt it will corrupt my character, they felt all my friends were bad and that I was also becoming like them. Unnecessary restrictions were being imposed on me. I was desperate. So I consumed a full bottle of poison.

Was this your first attempt?

No, this is my third attempt. Three months back I tried to cut myself, and before that I tried to hang myself. Both the times I was taken to the hospital by my brother and father. This time, I just saw the bottle and drank it without a second thought.

Did you confide in anyone before you took this step?

I have no one close to confide in. Everyone in my family disapproves of me. I don't have any close friends. This is the first time I am telling my story to anyone. I have been asked after my attempts as to why I did it, but my parents have narrated a different story. They just want to protect their son. They have very strictly asked me to go along with their story. They have asked me to swear that I won't implicate my brother. They are emotionally blackmailing me. Only because you guys promised confidentiality I am telling you.

How have you coped with it after the incident?

I was in the ICU and do not remember what happened then. Just 2 days ago I started getting conscious of my surroundings. Police, doctors, nurses, social workers have been asking me many questions. I tell them the story my family has told. My family is being very cautious around me. I have occasional blackouts and the doctors say that my heart is beating too fast. If it does not get well today, I will be shifted to the ICU again. I am a bit scared after hearing that.

Did you receive any support from your family and friends?

My family is scared for themselves and my friends don’t know about this. This is the first time that I am revealing the actual story.

Who has helped you the most? Has the helpline team been a comfort?

I really am so glad that you guys are here. I feel so relieved. I don’t have words to express.

Have you come to terms with your situation now?

Right not I am feeling relieved since I have been admitted. But I am also apprehensive about my fast heart beats. I don’t know if I have come to terms with my situation or not.

Have you learnt any lessons that you would like to share with others?

I don’t know. This whole episode is still sinking in.

Have you been for any counselling?

No, I have never been to any counselling.

(Identity has been masked to protect privacy and confidentiality)

Second Interview

Interview of a woman in her 20s by a helpline team after her first attempt at suicide.

What brought you to the brink?

It was not an impetuous decision. I was thinking about it for a couple of months now. The current situation of my life has left me helpless and hopeless and I feel my problems will not be solved without financial help. I feel dejected and let down by everyone. This world is a selfish place and people only help you when they get something in return. It is very difficult to be a single, young mother as it is and my financial problems just add to it.

Was this your first attempt?

Yes, this was my first attempt.

I tried honestly for my plan to work but still I am here and I regret it. I regret that the attempt was not successful and I am still alive. I wish to die. I want to get over this once and for all, even if this is a cowardly act, even if it means that there will be no salvation for my soul.

Did you confide in anyone before you took this step?

No, I did not confide in anyone. In fact, I made sure no one suspected by avoiding any calls from my best friend and my mother who would suspect that something is wrong from my voice. I got many chances where I could have just told some of my neighbours during the whole 5 hours since I started taking the poison. I was sure I wanted to end my life.

How have you coped with it after the incident?

It has been just 3 days since the attempt. I am still coming in terms with it. The whole incident has yet to sink in.

Did you receive support from your family or friends?

My mother has not left my side from the moment I was admitted. She is doing the best she can. My friends have been visiting me and they do try to be supportive, they try to encourage me. But I know that, however good their intention might be, they cannot change my situation.

Who has helped you the most? Has the helpline team been a comfort?

I don’t know who has helped me the most but, talking with you I feel less burdened. I feel light. What surprised me was that I was talking so much and without any reserve. The helpline is a comfort because it is nice to be heard in a non-judgemental way, when someone sees YOU and not your mistakes.

Have you come to terms with your situation now?

It has been 3 days since the attempt. I need more time.

Have you learnt any lesson that you would like to share with others?

The lesson that I have learnt is that when you really want to die take the right quantity of poison (laughs). But, now that I am alive, I want to find something to do, to work and support my son and myself.

Do you still go for counselling? How does it help?

No, I have never gone for counselling.

(Identity has been masked to protect privacy and confidentiality)

Interview with Counsellor

As part of the process to understand the mindset of suicide attempt survivors, we asked Sweta Tiwary, Volunteer, Mentor and Trainer at Connecting NGO.

Is it normal that people feel cheated or regret for not having succeeded in their attempts?

We receive different responses from different callers. If suicide is still their only way to cope, they feel quite angry and frustrated that they were unsuccessful in their attempt. But if they have found a support and are able to deal with their distress, they feel fortunate to have survived.

One young caller shared that he tried to end his life a couple of weeks back. He was being bullied in his class and was unable to share this with anyone due to fear and shame. He reached a point where he felt absolutely helpless and felt that suicide was the only way to end this. He said that he was happy that he survived because now his parents and the authority knew about it and were very supportive and caring.

What needs to be done to prevent recurrence/follow on attempt?

People who feel suicidal need love, support and understanding. The best way to help them is to show that we care and we can listen to their pain and distressful experiences without judging or advising them.  From our experience on the Helpline, we have observed that when people, who are strongly thinking of ending their lives, are deeply listened to, their intensity goes down, at least for that period of time. It is important to acknowledge their pain and their difficulty to deal with it.

One of the callers was very frustrated and angry that she survived three attempts.  She shared, “When I am in the hospital, these guys (family and friends) are always around me and show care. They are hypocrites. When I need them and beg for their time, they all are busy and don’t have time for me. Now, when I don’t want to see their faces, they are here. I don’t want to beg anymore. I will make sure my next attempt is final.”

She was not able to deal with her parent’s divorce. She felt that the parents don’t love her, which eventually led to low self-worth. She tried to find solace in relationships (she had quite a few), but none of them worked. She felt she had nothing to look forward to and that suicide was her only option.

Read more on this topic at Listen without Judging or Advising

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