Gauri Singh was 25 when she was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma. Cancer free for 9 years, she shares her journey to send a message that with a touch of humour and family support you can thrive after cancer.
Tell us about about yourself and your cancer history - early symptoms, diagnosis, treatment
I grew up in Agra in a joint family. Went on to do engineering and then joined a software company. Got an opportunity to work in the US for about a year and a half. When I returned, my mom noticed a swelling above the upper lip. Visited our family dentist, who got an X-ray done and suggested that it was a cyst which could be removed with a minor surgery. But the swelling returned in a few weeks and I underwent a major surgery this time. Biopsy did not detect cancer. It was only after a few months when the swelling returned and the doctors advised CT scan and FNAC, that I was diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma in Maxilla. Went to Tata Memorial Hospital and after a battery of tests, started chemotherapy followed by radiation.
हिंदी में पढ़ें: कैंसर के बाद जिंदगी और भी खूबसूरत है
Life before and after cancer. What changed - Physical, Emotional, Social
I lost my hair; physical stamina was impacted due to chemotherapy and my face became black due to radiation. However, all this was temporary.
During the treatment, my thoughts swung between two extremes. “God, Why me? Why did I get this? What did I do to get this? I have never harmed any one, never cheated, never stolen.” And then I thought “Can it get worse than this?” “Oh yes!” I was thankful to God that my treatment was showing good results; I wasn’t under a risk of amputation of one of my limbs like many other unlucky souls around me; and YES, I wasn’t dying!!
Many a times, I found myself alone on the seesaw with no pal to push me up when I was feeling so down. Most of my friends were busy in their normal lives and no one could empathize with me. But then I discovered online platforms for young adults touched by cancer where they could share insights, explore their fears, laugh and even poke fun at cancer.
The journey made me realize how we humans live in our own little bubble, fretting over small things oblivious to such realities until a tragedy hits us or someone close to us. I have started loving and respecting my life much more after coming close to losing it.
What stayed unchanged?
My family was my rock during this time. My parents, brother, cousins and my entire extended family became my support system during this journey. I became much closer to my parents after seeing their selfless love, care and support.
I also didn’t lose my sense of humor. Finding humor even in such a difficult situation helped me relax.
My ambition soared as high as before. After completing my treatment, I resumed work. Initially I took it slow for a few months. After I regained my stamina, I started leading a project. After a couple of years, I felt I was stagnating and decided to do an MBA. I applied to b-schools and was elated when I made it. The time at college was quite hectic with studies and lot of other activities but I was able to cope up with it.
As a young woman in your 20s - what did chemo mean to you - at that stage in your life?
Initially I had no clue what chemo meant. I researched online about it and learnt about most of the side effects. I still had a lot of questions like when exactly does the hair fall happen and would ask my nurses these questions. I really wanted to attend a close cousin’s wedding which was scheduled just after my chemo started. I wanted my hair to stay until then. Thankfully the hair fall started only after the wedding. However, at the wedding, I could see people pointing towards me and talking in hushed tones. I felt the stigma around this disease, but I have never understood the reason behind it.
We all have a perception about a cancer journey. What surprised you about the experience?
“You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice.” What surprised me most was my own will power, positivity and courage that got me through the journey.
The most difficult day or week? And how you got past it?
Chemo not only kills cancer cells but normal cells as well. There were times my red blood cells and white bloods cells would drop drastically. I had to be rushed to the hospital then and given blood transfusions and IV antibiotics. There was a day when I couldn’t take a bath on my own. Irrespective of whatever was happening I would still manage to bathe by myself hence that day was a low point for me. On another day, I could feel life slipping away. It’s difficult to explain the feeling but I could feel something was seriously wrong that day.
However, I was able to get through both these situations by visualizing the happy experiences that awaited me on completing treatment. I would imagine traveling to Europe and living in New York. These visualization techniques worked very positively for me.
How did you cope with anxiety and anger?
There were times I was very irritated and anxious as well. I did not even agree to speak to a counsellor. I found solace in reading books by other cancer survivors. They gave me a lot of hope.
One of my favourite books is "The Crazy Sexy Cancer Book" by Kris Carr, an actress. It gave me lots of tips on how to kick cancer’s ass and that too in style: “Don’t capitalize cancer. Giving it so much importance is a big no-no. In fact I spell it wrong: c-a-n-s-e-r. It gives you power over that stupid little two-syllable word.” Funny!
I found a lot of inspiration from other patients around me, some of whom were battling cancer the second or even the third time. I believed in the words: “When Cancer was looking around for a body to hang out in, it made a big mistake when it chose mine. Big mistake!”
The legendary words of Jim Valvano made a big impact on me. "Cancer can take away all of my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. And those three things are going to carry on forever.”
Why do you openly share about your cancer experience, especially if people tell you to move on?
I want to share my story far and wide to send out a message that you cannot just survive cancer but thrive after it. I have been cancer free for 9+ years now. And life is even more beautiful. I have run quite a few 10ks, backpacked solo in Europe and even trekked up a volcano.
