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Submitted by Smriti Joshi on 5 August 2017
Image: Smriti with her family

No matter how stressful your caregiving responsibilities,  Smriti Sawhney, an experienced Clinical Psychologist, recommends some things that you can do to ease your stress levels, regain your balance, and start to feel positive and hopeful again.  Especially targeted towards Elderly Caregivers.

My mom has not been keeping well for some years now. She has osteoarthritis which is gradually becoming more disabling for her. She is one of the most courageous women I have met who has braved it through multiple surgeries, including pan hysterectomy, pacemaker implantation and bilateral knee replacements. BUT, there’s someone else whom I see struggling and fighting his moments of worry for her health and preparing himself each time she has fallen seriously ill to take care of her to the best of his ability - My DAD.  I also want to take this opportunity to express my awe at her resilience and his rock solid support to make sure she makes it through all her disabling moments.  

Here, I share some things I have learnt from my parents about caregiving as well as some strategies which, if adopted, can avoid burnout. Caring for a loved one can be very rewarding, but it also involves many stressors. And especially if you are a senior citizen caregiving for your spouse, you may face years or even decades of caregiving responsibilities. It can be an emotionally fatiguing experience too when there’s no hope that your family member will get better or if, despite your best efforts, their condition is gradually deteriorating.

At this phase in your life, if you don’t get the physical and emotional support your need, the stress of caregiving can leave you vulnerable to a wide range of problems. These include depression, anxiety, and burnout, in addition to the physically distressing symptoms you may be experiencing due to your own age related changes too.  And, when you get to that point, both you and the person you’re caring for suffer. That’s why, managing the stress levels in your life is just as important as making sure your family member gets to their doctor’s appointment or takes their medication on time.

No matter how stressful your caregiving responsibilities or how bleak your situation seems, here are some things that you can do to ease your stress levels, regain your balance, and start to feel positive and hopeful again. 

1. Breathe right

Deep diaphragmatic breathing is one of the simplest yet most effective ways of handling stress, you have better overall health and well-being with the least amount of cost and time investment. Sit comfortably in a chair with your eyes closed and inhale very slowly through your nose using your diaphragm (your belly should expand while you inhale with little or no chest movement). Try and hold your breath for about 5-10 seconds. Then slowly exhale through your mouth making sure you use your belly to push the air out.

2.  Acceptance

“Acceptance doesn't mean resignation; it means understanding that something is what it is and that there's got to be a way through it.” -Michael J. Fox

Acceptance is not about losing hope, becoming helpless or bowing down to your situation. On the contrary, acceptance magnifies the ability to bear pain and stress. Accepting that you or your loved one is in pain physically or emotionally and accepting that healing will be a slow process is the key to be able to bear that pain gracefully. This is true for our own selves as well as the person we are care for in stress. It’s about letting oneself experience the full range of emotions and trusting that we will bounce back.

3.  Be self-compassionate

Charity begins at home and it’s true. If you are not kind and caring to yourself, caring for another can start to seem like a burden. Make sure you are taking care of your food and water intake as well as sleep. You may not be able to follow it by the book but making space for your own needs, as you care for others, will leave you feeling contended and energetic. Try saying “this shall pass soon” rather than indulging in self-pity –“why me” approach and letting your basic nature being affected. You are doing your best and need the best for yourself too. 

4.  Pace your day

There’s always lot to be done when you are the caregiver. You have to manage the caregiving needs to your daily chores at the house and work. Even though this may seem like an addition to your daily to-do list, try and prioritise tasks on a daily basis and listen to your own body as you go through all these activities. Slow down when you begin to feel tired, and not when you’re all exhausted. If you slow down just when you begin to feel tired  and take a small resting break, you will be able to accomplish what you had on your plate and much more. However, if you try and finish it all in one go, even when your body seems to be giving up or mind feels blank, you will feel dissatisfied with the way you went about your day. You may also need a much longer break before you start anything again.

5.  Explore alternatives

Explore alternative ways of solving problems. “Can this situation be looked at in a different way that I haven't been considering?” This could be the first question to ask when you feel the heat. Our interpretation of our tough moment will always change as we grow and mature. Learning from other’s experiences of problem solving is also something done frequently by people who display mental strength in times of adversity. Knowing that there are other ways to resort to can give us hope that things can feel better tomorrow.

6.  Get inspired with your own actions

This is as important as it reflects how crucial it is to have a healthy self-esteem and confidence in one’s own ability to fight stress and tough moments in life. You become your own role model and this pushes you forward to bear the incoming pain and stress calmly and with fortitude. Reflect on your toughest moments in the past when this moment seems tough and relive how you got through that toughest moment from the past. It will surely instil strength and hope for your here and now.

7.  Ask for Help

Caregiving is a mentally and physically demanding process and can slow you down sooner than you expect. Taking on all of the responsibilities of caregiving without regular breaks or assistance is a sure shot recipe for burnout. Don’t try to do it all alone. Assess areas where help may be available at least to reduce your caregiving burden physically like hiring a taxi each time you go to a doctor than driving yourself or having help at home for cooking or grooming your loved one.  

8.  Let off steam

Letting out the steam emotionally too is important.  Talk to a supportive friend or family member. If you feel a lack of social support currently then seek professional help from a counsellor or a psychologist. They listen patiently and provide hope rather than sympathy and negative perspective about your problems, calming you down during your toughest moments.

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