When R had suicidal thoughts and a feeling of hopelessness, she finally sought help and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder. Read on to find out how she coped with her illness and how it relates to chronic pain due to migraines and sinus.
I am 39 years old and academically trained as an engineer. I lost my mom at a very young age. My childhood consists of first few years in USA and then later on in India.
I was diagnosed with severe depression along with anxiety disorder in Feb 2017. Before that I had gone to two other pychiatrists who never really gave me the real picture of what's going on. I have had chronic migraines and sinus issues since 2005. I believe this contributed in part to my severe depression. No one in my family could fathom the amount of pain since it was all invisible.
When a person goes into depression, its not only one reason, there are mulitiple reasons and at one point one mental health gives up.
Initial symptoms and Suicidal thoughts
Initially it started with slight anxiety attacks. Slowly and gradually it started to become a full blown anxiety disorder. My hands were shaking continuously and there was complete loss of appetite.
After meeting two doctors who basically didn’t know much about mental health issues, I saw no hope of ever getting better and that led to a feeling of hopelessness and suicidal ideation.
At first, I thought it is a fleeting feeling and it will go away eventually. But it persisted. I realised that even earlier, I did have bouts of depression
Treatment Phase
Eventually I went into counseling and that's what ultimately helped. Talking about various relationships with husband, father, mother, siblings and friends. Eventually blind spots of mine and others were uncovered and I finally understood what was bothering me and how. You can say I went into therapy annd figured that it was the others need therapy.
I also took medication for about 6 months . When you are going through depression your focus and concentration goes for a toss. Medicines only helped me focus but had no affect on my anxiety levels. However medication was important for me so that counseling is effective.
I also had side-effects of medications - like weight gain, hyperactivity, and acidity problems.
My present condition
Today, I am completely out of depression. However extreme stressful situations can still trigger anxiety sometimes. This wasn’t the case before depression.
I am also off medications now.
For my migraines and sinus, I have turned towards ayurvedic healing and I am on a strict diet. I have also made major lifestyle changes like sleeping on time and eating well. My migraines have come down significantly. However, my sinus is still a problem.
What worked for me
To manage my anxiety, I go for long walks. Talking to empathetic and compassionate people helped a lot. Talking to friends who had undergone therapy also made me feel better and less ashamed of my situation.
In my journey I had two inflection points . First, when I saw merit in going for counseling . Second, when a friend closed a huge chapter in my head by saying suicide ideation is real and the fact that I came through makes me a stronger person and not weak. That's the day I stopped feeling guilt for my suicide ideation.
Challenges
I would say it was one the worst experiences . But sometimes the worst experience teaches you the most important things in life.
Unfortunately, I also did not get much support from family and friends. Its not that they didn't have the intention to .... but there is huge lack of awareness on these topics... and very few would try to leave their day to day job to figure out why I was here and what can be done next. Apart from that, isolation and lack of knowledge for chronic migraines and sinus issues also added to my pain. People judge without knowledge.
People even said that I am weak and that I am doing all this to get attention . Also some would say my behaviour was manipulative.
Learnings
I wish someone had hugged me and said depression is a medical condition and suicide ideation is real. And that long term counseling will eventually help and meanwhile family should be the most supportive of all without judging and questions.
Everyone doesn't see much merit to go for therapy. No one really has the ability to introspect easily. And the ones who do go, just survive 5 sessions to walk away that the world is the problem and they should expect less from people.
My advice
The hardest thing is that dealing with depression is also a factor of time. Counseling is a very slow and gradual process and you have to battle that part out.
The contributor shared her experience anonymously. This article is lightly edited to keep the voice original and authentic.
