Anal Shah has experienced extreme pain when she lost her son to a sudden attack of fever. Living with that grief and agony has been an uphill task for her. But after five years she seems to have found some semblance of peace.
Losing your child is the most catastrophic event a parent can face! I have lost my mother, a few cousins, grandparents, friends, but nothing can surpass the pain of losing a child that you nurtured in your womb for 9 months. It may seem unbearable at the onset but it will not remain so, I promise.
हिंदी में पढ़ें: बेटे को खो देने के शोक से जूझने का मेरा अनुभव
On autopilot and exhausted
I remember being on autopilot for a few months after my then 15-year-old son died in 2017. I had become a zombie. My brain had got into survival mode and couldn't do anything beyond the involuntary basic functions. The pain was not only emotional but I strongly felt it like a searing physical pain. I was very comfortable if I was given basic instructions like "drink tea" or "eat food". I remember my mother-in-law putting a plate of food before me and asking me to eat. I would eat it without my brain even registering what was going in my mouth. If she put an extra helping on the plate and asked me to eat, I would eat. It was a horrible phase. My brain was in extreme agony and was trying to find a way out. I was trying to find logic in the most illogical happenings of my life! I was trying to get a break from the pain and sleeping was a respite. I later understood that extreme grief was exhausting my body and hence I rested and slept for long hours. All through these initial months, my brain was trying to find a way out of this quicksand. I guess that is what any healthy brain would do in any such situation.
Resuming work and household duties
First thing I did was to resume work from the 7th day. Initially, it meant driving to my office, just staring at my computer screen for maximum 30 minutes and driving back home. But controlling tears for 30 minutes gave my brain a break. I was in a different atmosphere which didn't remind me of my son. It was giving my brain a big big break from the perennial pain. I remember I was able to resume my normal office work at the end of 3 months. I have marked that as a milestone!
I tried to resume as many normal household duties as I could although I had family trying to help out with the chores. I started with making tiffin for my daughter. I remember how agonising it was to fill just one set of tiffin while I was always used to filling two sets till a fortnight ago. This helped me bring in some discipline and purpose into my life.
Making the extra effort for my daughter
I was very sure that I had to live a respectable and near normal life for my daughter. She had lost a twin and a dysfunctional mom was the last thing she deserved. That pushed me to try everything and anything that helped me find meaning in what happened. I was always an avid bookworm. My books saved me. I started reading everything spiritual that I could lay my hands on. Almost every alternate day, I ordered books from Amazon and my family worried for my sanity. But the books I read, pulled me out of the dark tunnel..
Journaling
The third thing was journaling. I wrote all my emotions down. Everytime I was overwhelmed, a beautiful document was created. That served a dual purpose. Not only did it prove therapeutic for me then, but later when I re-read it, it helped me realise how far I had managed to come and motivated me to keep at it. For the past 5 years, I write a letter to my son daily. It’s my secret ritual.
Daily Walks
On a friend’s forceful suggestion, I started going for a daily walk. My husband and I used to travel nearly 30-45 minutes to find a lone spot where we could walk without meeting anyone known to us. I couldn't face anyone or look anyone in the eye then. Most of the nearby parks had acquaintances bumping into us, thereby unnerving me. If I think about those days, I shudder. What a nervous wreck I must have been. Exercise helped me process my thoughts and also helped clear my brain fog. When monsoon came and I couldn't go, I felt anxious!
Act of Kindness
I also started doing an act of kindness on every 27th. That was the day my son passed. It made the 27th bearable. A little act of kindness gave me immense peace. Every month on the 27th, I do something to honour and remember my son. I am sure he is smiling down from there!
What healing means
Today as I near the 5-year-mark of his passing, I feel tranquil, and at peace. It doesn't mean I don't miss him, I miss him with each breath. But that missing is an involuntary movement. It doesn't cause me so much pain. I have accepted what happened and believe that it was his and my soul plan/karmic debt, whatever name you call it. I am grateful for all that I once had and all that is still there.
Healing is a conscious daily exercise, you have to rewire your brain. The computer has been attacked by a virus and you have to format the system. Rewiring is a hard job and learning the new software is tough.But if we want, we can definitely learn the new system and believe me, the system upgrade is worth the effort!
Every person follows his/her timeline. One step forward and 2 backwards(sometimes 3 and sometimes 0). Gradually you move forward a millimetre and you will never know how these millimetres added up to a kilometre. If you look back,you will be in awe of your journey.
I hope I make my son proud!!
Related Reading: Let us stop being uncomfortable about grief
