Anal Shah's son was 15 years old, when he developed a sudden fever and after a struggle of 20 days, died of multi-organ failure on 27th June 2017. She still struggles with her grief and wrote this heart wrenching note 20 months after his death.
To all those who persistently feel I should MOVE ON after my child's death!
It seems that my face reminds you of your own mortality. What if something similar happened to your child or your family member? What if you have to endure pain like me? That thought sends shivers down your spine. Seeing my watery eyes scares you to your core and so you sincerely wish that i should bounce back to my pre child loss state and let you breathe a sigh of relief. You would see a vibrant old me who would not remind you of my loss… But have you ever thought what it is to survive your child and keep surviving? Let me elaborate…
Memories that trigger
When I walk into the grocery store, which is probably 3 to 4 times in a week, for little something or the other, my deceased child's favourite items scream at me from shelves. They tease me as if to say “Won't you buy me like you did previously “. Other times they look at me with sad faces waiting to get to my house. Either ways they leave me teary eyed. Online shopping is no better. Items related to your past orders keep popping up again and again… those hoodies, tshirts, shoes ,footballs….
When you see advertisement of something he adored on the television, you are drawn back into that sinkhole. It takes lot of mental reconditioning to get back your mind from that advertisement soon after it ends rather than replaying it again and again in your mind!
Related: My Son Continues To Inspire The Perpetual Fight
You are extravagant and generous now to your surviving child. You were not such a liberal parent. Now that you have lost, you have become so lenient that it brings in its big load of guilt. It's a no win situation. If you try to be strict with your surviving child, you immediately start feeling like a bad parent and not understanding their loss and pain. If you are liberal, you feel guilty of not being so generous to your erstwhile child. And this happens at least once in a day!
Your happy days like anniversary, birthday, etc. also come with a share of pain. On one hand you want to feel grateful for all that is still not lost but on the other hand you feel saddened for all that is no more yours. The anticipation of the approaching day is much more painful than the day itself… Festivals (which are every alternate month in India) add to your agony. Festivals are meant to distract you from your mundane routines but for a bereaved parent, a disciplined routine is in all ways much more secure than a disrupted routine. So every other month you are taken back to all the happiness shared on various festivals, birthdays, anniversaries!
The First Anniversary
When you manage to scramble out from all this quicksand, there comes the anniversary of passing of your child. The day that reminds you that a part of you is in heaven, that your child was so beautiful and cherished that God loved him more, that you are paying off your old karma of past lives, that you can't let thay day define your entire life, that you have a whole life to lead especially for your surviving child and spouse, that so many lose a child and live better than you, that you too have lost a parent, grandparent and felt similar pain, that you should not have a sad face and bring down others around you, that if you mourn your child's soul will suffer and last but not the least-”we feel equally pained on the loss of your child, as you”!!!
I know all these prophecies might stand absolutely true to your heart but nothing makes sense to me. If your child has told that he shall reach home at 4pm and you have no contact with him till 9pm, imagine the anxiety you would suffer for those 5 hours! We suffer that anxiety daily 24/7.
What if your child is out on a school picnic and you hear that a school bus has met with an accident. You don't know whether its your child's bus but your heart is in your mouth till you find your child safe and sound. We know our child is gone forever, we know he is not going to talk to us again, we will never see him grow, smile or thrive, we know nothing about where he is, and still we are expected to lead absolute normal lives.
Holding Space
We are trying to survive as best as we can. We are drawing all strength possible from our God and our battered souls. Child loss is absolutely against the rules of nature. We are supposed to be cremated by our children and not the other way round. Please don't say you understand. You can only imagine, never understand. But yes you can HOLD SPACE. Holding space is letting the person be comfortable, feel loved and just sat with without being judgemental. But often our minds feel that we have perfect solution for others who make their problems seem like mountains. Please hold on! If you can bring the deceased child back from heaven, you indeed are having the perfect solution. If you can't, just be patient and if you can't face us, avoid us… but please don't offer solutions unless you have been through it!
Onslaught of Memories
Attending social functions, parties, marriages, etc. pose another hurdle for us. Nothing, I definitely mean nothing stops the old memories from rushing back. Our attending such functions with our child, the way I planned his birthday parties and get togethers, the way he enjoyed such outings, the dishes served which were his favourite, the clothes he would have worn and the fuss he would have created!!!
When I see family photos on whatsapp profile or facebook and other social media, my incomplete family screams in my face. When i see his friends on these sites, appearing grown up and tall, the pain comes crushing me down to the fact that my son is lost in time! He will never grow this tall and sprout a beard or moustache. When his birthday comes, it reminds me of the last birthday he celebrated on earth.
It's been 20 months, nearly 600 days, 8,64,000 minutes! Yes a long long time for normal human beings. But for us it's still yesterday that we saw him go! Time holds little essence for us. It is a cruel reminder of what once was!!
I am a different person now
I am absolutely fine, I am a different person, one that even I fail to recognise, a better version of old me! I am indeed at peace… grateful for all I STILL have… please don't think that I am always sad. I have made amends with God, my soul plan, destiny, everything. I am at much more peace than i can ever be. But the pain doesn't leave me. It's a paradoxical existence, which I may never be able to explain!
But despite of all these and much more, we still are moving ahead every day. Though our pace doesn't match yours, we are not stagnant. If you observe closely you will notice our progress.Though a centimetre a day, it will add up to miles one day.
Anal says her son was in the best hospital in city, with the best doctor in town. Multiple tests and procedures couldn't get a proper diagnosis and he collapsed with a multi organ failure.
Anal updates 5 years later : How I dealt with the loss of my child
