As an older mother of 36 yrs, along with tumultuous family circumstances, Disha faced a fair amount of anxiety related to breastfeeding. This is her journey of those anxieties and how she was able to overcome them to enjoy the experience of feeding her baby.
I delivered my son in November 2014 via a caesarean section. It was supposed to be a normal birth but I was in labour for 7 hours and by then there was a lot of dilation and the baby had already pooped inside. It became a precarious situation that could become dangerous. So, we had to take a call. My doula was with me the whole time and we made the informed decision. Pregnancy had been normal; this was my first child so I followed the doctors’ instructions to the tee. However, at the same time, my brother was hospitalised for TB in the brain.
I really wanted to be with my brother and support him through his illness but it was very difficult for me to go see him while I was pregnant because of risk of infection. My family did not allow me to see him even though at one point his pulmonologist had said that he was no longer contagious. So, the entire pregnancy of 9 months I was not able to see him and that caused a lot of anxiety and stress because I was also not given a lot of information about his health.
When I finally delivered, my mother was still very busy with my brother and so she could not really be with me. I delivered and went to my in-law’s house and since we had just married a year ago, even I was not completely settled in that house. I truly missed my mother that period when as a new mom, I need her the most. Additionally, my mother-in-law was of no major help since she was completely lost and clueless when it came to handling a newborn. Her advice came from her experience that was now 50 years old. This led to a fair number of disagreements and emotional drama. About 3 days after I came home from the hospital after delivery, my husband had to fly out for work the following day and was away for 10 days, so again it was not easy for me to handle the baby by myself. I don't know how to do a lot of things, how to manage a newborn etc.
During my pregnancy, I had attended Lamaze classes which covered some amount of breastfeeding but it was of course just theoretical knowledge. It was always inculcated that you should never give top feed to a baby and breastfeeding is best. Consequently, I had taken this as the words written in stone and ended up taking on a lot of emotional stress on myself regarding feeding. My baby was latching on okay but then somewhere the rhythm was not setting. After every feed my nipples would be bleeding. He would latch on for a long time. I kept thinking that maybe there wasn't enough milk and that's why the baby was nibbling on the nipple looking for more. I used to have a lot of shatavari and eatables that would enhance the lactation but somewhere it was not happening. I would apply frozen cabbage leaves after every feed because I would just be sore, red, and bleeding after every feed. My baby would just want comfort feeds and would stay latched on for an hour on each breast. My breasts were in so much pain.
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I consulted the pediatrician, assigned to me by the hospital where I had delivered. He said I must feed only 20 minutes on each side. This advice traumatised me even more. I had to keep a strict diary of every single feed through the day. This became a daunting exercise as I would have one eye on the clock during every feed. Since my son liked to latch on for long, he was not happy with it either. This led to further anxiety, now with regards to the timings. I was going mad and doing all this alone. I called my doula who had helped me during my labor and she sent me a lactation expert who would come and help me. The lactation expert showed up at my door the next day and guided me on how to deal with the issue.
For the next 2-3 days, she literally hand-held me through the entire process. She helped me calm down more than anything else and this in turn slowly and surely helped resolve the bleeding issue. One of the moms from my Lamaze class had connected with me and suggested I see her Pediatrician because I was clearly not happy with the one, I currently had. The first time I met this new pediatrician, I spent almost an hour with him. He was like a grandfather figure, so kind and sweet. He patiently heard me out and told me “I will keep your child safe even if you don't get a day of your own milk.” That trust he provided just eased the journey thereon. Thanks to him and my lactation expert, I found new comfort in breastfeeding. Every time I visited, he would always give me the time and the ear to listen and help me navigate the course. He assured me that what I was doing was right. He said “there was no right or wrong, just feed the child and don't think about it.”
With this newfound confidence, I started travelling when my baby was just 5 months of age. All I needed was a bib and never felt conscious about feeding him in public. On one such trip to Thailand, we were at a crowded mall during his feed time and I just found a spot in the corner and sat down to feed him. I tried the breast pump too but it just didn’t work out for us. If I had to pump after or between feeds, there was not enough milk to fill a bottle. So I soon gave up on that and decided to just take him with me wherever I went.
My breastfeeding journey had started off bumpy but soon became a joy. I fed my son till he was a year and a half and never had to resort to formula.
I used to believe everything that books and websites would preach about breastfeeding and take undue stress of exclusive breast milk feeding rituals. Looking back, I think the stress was perhaps due to peri-menopause. Less than a year after I stopped feeding, I went into early menopause. I was only 38 at the time, but my mother too had it early. I wonder if I was in peri-menopause the entire time post-delivery and failed to recognise many of those symptoms and signs that took a toll on my mental health.
Related: How Does Stress Affect Breastfeeding
My advice to other new moms is that it should be a natural process. But if it doesn't happen, don’t take so much stress. If you have to give formula, give it. It’s okay.
