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Submitted by shubhrata on 19 December 2017

Recovering from depression isn’t easy, but not impossible. Shubhrata Prakash, an officer with the Indian Revenue Service currently on a sabbatical in Bangkok, who is finally on the road to recovery after an excruciating period of depression, exults that it is wonderful to experience life again in all its glorious hues. 

“….and the Prince gave Sleeping Beauty a magical kiss. She woke up from the evil spell put on her and looked into his eyes……and they lived happily ever after!”

Unfortunately, there is no magical kiss that could miraculously break the spell of Depression. Nor is there any guarantee of a ‘happily ever after’. But, the good news is that – there IS recovery from Depression!  During the dark, gloomy and hopeless days of Depression, it was almost impossible for me to imagine that I could ever feel like my old undepressed self again even for a few minutes. Time proved me wrong, and that was one of the best things to have happened to me.

After about three-and-a-half years of escalating anti-depressant use, I had to stop being medically compliant because the drugs were proving ineffective (in my case), and the adverse effects were crippling my life, pushing me beyond the edge of the cliff where Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) had anyway pushed me to. The initial days of drug withdrawal were excruciating. Physically and emotionally, I was a wreck. Then changes began to happen. Three weeks after my last anti-depressant dose, I felt a small shift in my mood. It may have lasted for a few minutes, maybe a half-hour, but it happened. Like a window had been opened, allowing the light to stream into my life again. Then it closed. Depression was back with a vengeance and often made me question my very existence.

However, these small windows of good mood (well, normal mood is what I would say) kept coming. Bigger and bigger ones. Then some seven months down the line, I experienced a big positive shift in my mood. That is where I would peg my recovery to have actually started. Over a period of several months, several positive shifts in my mood, thought and behavior happened – each bringing me a little closer to what I was like before MDD made a home for itself in my brain. Just like that, I felt as if a load had been lifted off my head. I felt lighter, as if the tight band around my head was not squeezing it any more. I could move my hands and legs and my entire body freely, as if the lead weighing it down had been cut away. And, now, almost two years after I stopped anti-depressant use, I feel like my old self most days, most of the times. 

It is so wonderful to experience life again in all its glorious hues. To be able to feel joy for no reason whatsoever – like I used to before my brush with MDD. To be able to get up from the bed without having to make an effort. To get into the shower without calculating the number of steps involved. To have a normal conversation with other people where I actually feel present and not far away like I used to feel. To be a mother to my children again, keeping up effortlessly with everything in their lives. Simple tasks like changing the bed linen, deciding the daily kitchen menu, shopping for grocery, cooking simple meals, getting kids ready for school, walking alone to the nearby coffee shop – each and every day I marvel at the simplicity and effortless ease with which I am able to do all these, like before! And each new accomplished task motivates me to take on the next one. And of course, I can smile again, just like that!

Yet, some bad days still lurk around. Moments of morbid ideation, unnamed anxiety, breathless panic; all exist somewhere just below the surface of my mindscape, ready to pounce at my sanity and composure - If I let them. And, that is the difference between being in deep Depression and being in recovery. Not only are these episodes infrequent but I have a much greater degree of control over them. Hours of CBT (Cognitive behavioral therapy) and mindfulness have had long-lasting effects, helping me regain control of my thoughts, and hence behavior, much faster than when I was in the clutches of MDD.

Read our interview with Shubhrata Prakash: How I Survived Severe Depression

One big challenge that I face during the recovery phase is having to determine whether a low mood is a part of a normal emotional cycle or an indicator of a relapse. Every time I feel a little low, I am afraid that the downward spiral will begin anytime – again. Thankfully, so far, I am able to bounce back again like I had been doing all my life before being struck by MDD.

Social interactions are still challenging. Depression isolates. And self-care has taught me to stay away from toxic people. So, I am still dipping my toes into the social pool. Sometimes, that can be really lonely. Also, when you say that you are recovering and you feel good, and along comes a bad day of low mood, it is embarrassing – one doesn’t know what to say in social settings, or even to close friends. It is also unnerving to see the look of fear on the faces of loved ones when a bad day comes visiting. 

There was a time when I just could not believe that I could ever get better. The only hope I would have on many dark days were the words of loved ones, friends, even strangers, that windows would come along opening my mind up to light again. And that did happen! This is what I would like to tell others still struggling to find their windows: go on dreaming, go on chasing windows; one day, you will find yours too.
 
(Shubhrata Prakash is an officer with the Indian Revenue Service, and a proud Depression Survivor. She is the author of the best-selling ‘The D Word: A Survivor’s Guide to Depression’)

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