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Submitted by Vijay Nallawala on 27 April 2018
Image: Vijay Nallawala in a black shirt and grey jacket looking at the camera

Author and wellness coach Vijay Nallawala, who has bipolar disorder, has lived with the manic depression symptoms from the tender age of 14. Here he recounts his arduous journey spanning three decades.

You have recently authored a book ‘A Bipolar’s Journey - From Torment to Fulfillment’. What inspired you to write the book?

Well, firstly, the book is not very recent. It was published globally in 2015 but is still available on Amazon.in. I was already writing candidly about my experiences as a bipolar disorder survivor on our community website www.bipolarindia.com. However, I felt blog posts did not do full justice to my dramatic journey. There was no book written by someone with bipolar at that time in India. Thus the idea was born.

When did you know you had bipolar? What were the early symptoms?

Typically, there is a gap of many years between onset and diagnosis of bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed on May 23rd, 2003 when I was in the throes of mania and the psychiatrist who saw me insisted on my hospitalisation. My behaviour had been noticeably awry for a long time: I was very agitated, irritable, displayed high energy, refused to listen to anyone and had grandiose thoughts. It was my sister, Tejal, who insisted I see a doctor. I was 40. My symptoms had first shown up at the tender age of 14 and later on again in spurts. Therefore, there was a long gap of decades between onset and firm diagnosis.

What was the ‘torment’ and ‘fulfillment’ referred to in the title of your book?

Well, bipolar disorder is described as a 'serious mental illness, which can be managed but not cured'. To term it merely as a condition that entails extreme swings of mood between depression and mania, is oversimplification. The illness has the sufferer in its grip and can be highly disabling. My initial year after diagnosis was spent in sheer torment. Also, I use the word 'torment' in the context of the suffering of my community as a whole. What I went through, most others experience with multiplied intensity. I do not claim to have recovered from the illness even today as I do require maintenance medication. By fulfillment, I refer to more of a personal sense of peace, belonging and satisfaction. You see, the tougher the journey, the more profound and worthwhile the learning from it. The long draw out struggle took a lot out of me but also made me wiser. It made me realign the priorities of my life. Also, I grew in terms of my spiritual connect. I bond well with my family and am doing well on my career front as well. My social outreach wraps it up. So I can say I am more fulfilled today than I ever was.

Was it hard to recall those days of torment while writing or do you feel lighter, relieved venting?

Those memories came flooding back as vividly as if replaying a film. Surprisingly, writing about even the most tumultuous times did not sap me emotionally. It is said that writing is therapeutic and, considering the subject I had chosen to write about, it turned out to be a cathartic journey. It made me feel much more lighter, having nothing to hide from the world anymore.

One of the chapters, Avoiding the Landmines, dwells on situations which trigger mania or depression. Could you tell us what were your personal triggers?

Oh, there were quite a handful! My first manic episode was triggered by a course of antidepressants prescribed by my physician. That was the most direct trigger. There were several others as well. I became very vulnerable to any high stress situation. Within the first year of my diagnosis, I got married and later we wound up our enterprise. Long drawn out arguments during the initial years of marriage triggered depression in me. Uncertainty on the career front took a toll on me emotionally.

Besides having bipolar disorder, you also have asthma? What was the biggest challenge in handling both health issues?

Asthma battered my body senseless and entailed many a sleepless night sitting up. The thing with asthma was, I never knew when an attack would have me in its grip without warning. Critical attacks saw me inside ICU's twice, fighting for my life. It took me many, many years before I tamed the illness.

Bipolar Disorder was kinder to my body but battered my mind, which asthma had spared. Holding onto my self-belief became my biggest challenge. Bipolar Disorder is a more insidious condition that manages to extinguish one's spirit. Reclaiming my zest for life involved an arduous climb out of the morass.

How are you now?

My mental health is stable now. I am calmer and a more relaxed person.

What advice would you like to give to people with bipolar?

The going can be very tough in the initial years of onset/diagnosis. With discipline and perseverance one finds a way to manage the symptoms. The key is to adhere to medication, therapy and avoid known triggers. Provided she or he puts in sustained effort, a bipolar disorder patient can live a near normal life.

What do you wish those around had understood about your condition that would have eased the situation for you?

Honestly, I don't blame anyone for lack of empathy towards me. This illness or its symptoms are not easily understood by everyone from the outside. Thus, I am grateful to those who stood by me during the worst of times but hold no grudge against those who were not sensitive to my troubles.

Do you think there is still a stigma attached to bipolar disorder which prevents people from discussing their condition openly?

The stigma around the illness is huge! On one hand awareness is slowly increasing, on the other, sensitivity and empathy toward the illness isn't. The work scenario can especially be a very harsh place. Disclosure about the illness can well mean goodbye to the job. HR personnel need to be counselled about mental illness. The other barrier is marriage: to reveal the condition before marriage or not is the dilemma the bipolar disorder affected faces. Revelation can well ruin marriage prospects.

Could you tell us what you have been doing to spread awareness and advocacy about bipolar disorder?

In the year 2013, I pioneered the Online community in India, BipolarIndia.com. This has grown on to be a highly interactive virtual meeting place for the bipolar and depression affected and caregivers. People have little hesitancy in opening up here about their doubts and queries. A few of them have also gone on to share their stories of struggle and triumph on the site. We have offline Peer Support Groups as well which meet once a month in the cities of Mumbai, Delhi, Chennai and Bengalaru. The footprint of these groups is expanding at a rapid pace. To supplement this, we also have a WhatsApp based Peer Group. We have hosted the World Bipolar Day Conferences in Mumbai for three years in a row.

What are the top 5 ways you keep yourself motivated?

  1. My outreach to my community brings me great satisfaction and fuels me to do more.
  2. Daily workouts at the gym ensure that I am in top physical shape and my energy levels are maintained.
  3. Writing is not only therapeutic, it is almost a meditative experience for me.
  4. Practicising pranayam in the mornings helps me calm down and makes me more receptive to a spiritual experience.
  5. Invariably, I too get bogged down at times. Setting small daily/ weekly goals or tasks to do keeps me motivated at such times.

EXTRACT

In most cases of bipolar disorder, the diagnosis takes place well after the condition has taken firm root, at times even years after – sometimes a decade or more. It was difficult to pinpoint when it began to insidiously grow within me. Of course, there were the bouts of depression in adolescence and few years later, sporadically. My behaviour then bordered on the neurotic but there was still no alarm, so to speak. It was in the last few years preceding my hospitalization, however, that those distinct steaks of abnormal behaviour began to crop up.

Reality and I were simply not on talking terms

My spending sprees were alarming. The second Toyota Qualis utility car we purchased was unwarranted. We were already saddled with debt on our enterprise and this was going to be another loan to service and in this case quite an unproductive one. I talked about grandly giving away assets to our relatives. Tejal (sister) was alarmed by my discretions and tried to rein me in, with little success.

I’d come up with grandiose ideas and schemes which even I find ridiculous now! A relative had called me to enquire about a hotel at a hill station. I told him to forget the hotel; I could buy the hill station itself for him! Yes, this was the extent and the absurdity of my thought process. Reality and I were not on talking terms. It was bitter divorce.