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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 26 June 2020

Usha Jesudasan, who is affected by polio, diabetes and breast cancer and is an author of many self-help and inspirational books, talks about Covid-19 lockdown woes and how this is the best time to make those changes we would like, but never get round to doing.

Covid-19 crept up on us didn’t it? I saw the heart breaking numbers of people dying, rising every day in Italy- it was so far away from us. Then suddenly one day it was in our midst. On the first Sunday of the lockdown, when the Prime Minister asked us to come out and clap for our healthcare workers told us that we were in trouble. Just before 5 pm that Sunday, my daughter and I were watching an intensely gripping thriller. My eye was also on the clock. “Ok, up,” I said, “let’s go and clap.” She was amused. “Oh Come on Amma, don’t be so crazy. It’s just a gimmick.” Three of my children were working on the front line in Covid-19 hospitals at that time, without adequate protection. Every day they put themselves at risk for the well-being of others. So, I did go out and, “Clap for Jamie, clap for John and clap for Rachel.” At that moment it hit me - the awfulness and loneliness of this disease.I clapped and cried and prayed.

Survive the lockdown

That was almost three months ago, and since then all of us have been locked down and this has affected us in many ways. The first week was exhausting - doing more house work than I have done in a long while. I was aching all over. “To survive the lockdown, I need to get fit,” I thought, and increased the number of arm exercises I did. By the end of the week, I had learnt not to sweat the small stuff - my handkerchiefs and pillow covers did not need ironing. I learnt to ask myself the question, “How important is this for my well - being?” before becoming unnecessarily agitated about something.

I made a one pot meal with rice and vegetables to last for two days and binge watched Netflix. This kind of existence was fine for two days – but there had to be more to life even under lockdown. Everyone had disappeared – the teashop guy who supplied us with milk, the tailor, the flower seller, the lady who sold vegetables on the roadside, the ironing man, the little box-shop which sold all kinds of everything. All of these were people whom ‘I sort of knew’ as I relied on them for many things. But now that they were gone, who were they really and where did they go to, I wondered? My only daily visitor was the man who cleared our garbage. He brought me news of their struggles. Equally disturbing were the images of long lines of people walking back to their homes. Could I dare to complain about being bored or dusty curtains?

Transitional phase

There is a new word that I came across during my readings during this lockdown period. Liminal, {a word that comes from the Latin word 'limen'; ‘liminity’ - which means threshold} the point of entering or beginning a new phase. It is usually a time when we have left one stage of life and are just about to enter another. Often it is a period which is out of our control – a time when we are confronted tothink and act in new ways.

As I looked back over my life, I realised that one such obvious liminal time was when I got married. Kumar and I left our single lives behind to begin a joint one together. It was a period of great change for both of us, with many adjustments and lessons to learn. My memories tell me that I did well with this big change. A more difficult liminal period came with his illness and passing. The lesson to be learnt here was that in spite of loss, there was going to be growth and joy too and that I had to trust all the goodness around me – there were many happy times and family celebrations that happened which I had not anticipated at that ‘threshold’ time.

Keeping mind whole

This lockdown too has been a time of aloneness and much moon and star gazing and soul searching. Sitting for hours under a silvery crescent moon, and then a glowing full one thinking, “How do I live now?Living alone, being with friends and family, doing things together, the Sunday morning church service and many social outings were what gave meaning to my life. Now that all this was gone, How do I make sense of this time? Where and what are my new sources of strength? How do I keep my mind whole? How do I not spiral into a well of depression? Perhaps this is what life is going to be like for all of us for some time.Having to do with much less, either by choice or by necessity.

I went back in time in my diary {2014} and found something to sustain me. “Don’t think about what you have lost and allow this loss to take over your day. Focus on what you have left, and let this guide you forward.” Hopeful words that I had experienced during another liminal period. A slow acceptance settled within me.

With the acceptance came a sense of responsibility. For myself, so that I am not a burden to anyone, and then a responsibility for those who around me whom I had forgotten till now.For me this was the way to keep myself from drowning into despair and swathed in unnecessary fears.

Helping those around

I could not do anything about the long lines of hungry migrant people, but I could make a difference to those whom I knew and were around me. All those who had vanished suddenly came back into my life – they all had cell phones! We even did video calls and discovered so much about each other. Much of my time now was spent listening to the woes of the old vegetable lady and then one day sharing her joy at the birth of her great granddaughter. The biryani man died suddenly at the beginning of Ramzan. So helping his family cope with sudden loss and grief became my concern too. The milkman’s brother fell off a wall and broke his leg – connecting him to the hospital in Chennai where my son worked and going through all the red tape during the lockdown was a challenge. I had over the wall chats with my neighbours about all kinds of subjects. In the midst of all this, the local police department asked if I would help them make a public relations movie clip about their good work! Thus the hours went by. I had plenty of news to share with my children every night.

Lockdown and pandemic woes are very real. Some of my friends have wept over the phone not knowing how to cope. For some having family at home all the time has brought out the worst in them. This is liminal time that we are going through – there are no rules or blue prints to follow. But, this is the best time to make those changes we would like, but never get round to doing.

Read more by Usha Jesudasan

7 Tips for Living With A Chronic Illness

How you can help when you accompany someone to the Hospital

(Usha Jesudasan, a prolific writer of inspirational books and articles writes about life, values, and the harmony we need within ourselves.)