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Submitted by Shayonee Dasgupta on 14 April 2019
A framed profile pic of a young Indian woman, Shayonee

Shayonee, 30, a lawyer from Mumbai ignored the signs of depression for a very long time. A diagnosis of chronic depression and the identification of triggers and stressors, led to re-framing of priorities. She strongly believes there is a need for greater openness about mental health at the workplace. 

Trigger Warning

Suffering from clinical depression (CD) was not a choice I made. It came into my life as an uninvited guest who overstayed her welcome. One of the psychiatrists I consulted told me I exhibit symptoms of chronic depression and it’s something I had been experiencing for many years. It was a while before someone diagnosed me. An obvious reason behind this was my ignorance and unwillingness to face the reality head on – every time I sensed that I was emotionally not OK, I shoved it under the carpet as yet another episode of a mood swing or a bad PMS cycle.

How it all began

I am a lawyer by profession and was working with a law firm until 2018. We know law firms for their high stress environment and bad working hours. To survive, you must adapt to the culture and just keep going, no matter what. Once I graduated and joined a law firm in 2012, I accepted the mantra and kept going, no matter what. Even when I changed firms in 2015, I continued to work with the same philosophy because there was no place to be a mediocre lawyer. I was ambitious and wanted to make my mark. So I never stopped to ask myself if this is how I wanted to function for the rest of my life.

In 2017, I received a promotion. Along with the promotion, came a whole new set of expectations I had of myself–what next? How soon? Is it enough? so on and so forth. I also got married in 2017 and felt life taking a 180-degree turn. Too many responsibilities came on my shoulder all together and I felt that no one had prepared me to deal with them. My physical health was also not in the best shape – I used to fall ill often. Sometimes it would be just a cold and cough. Sometimes, there would be an inexplicable fatigue and exhaustion in my body. No amount of caffeine made me feel better. When I tried to sleep it off, I used to dream about work because my brain never really switched off. I paid little attention to my body because I HAD to keep going, no matter what. Everyone around me did that, and I had too many expectations to live up to.

Physical symptoms of depression

In the latter half of 2017, I was diagnosed with cervical spondylitis. The condition of my spine was such that the surgeon I was consulting at the time recommended that I take ten days off from work to just rest it out. Sitting in his clinic, I had a meltdown–I burst into tears. How can I, an ambitious and smart lawyer, tell my bosses I can’t travel for the upcoming meeting because my body had revolted? Even the thought of having a conversation made me feel jittery, and I wondered if I would be judged of not being capable of handling responsibilities? I became a victim of my thought process.

I continued to function in this manner till 2018 when the symptoms were full-blown. Chronic Depression manifested itself in various ways – constant aches and pain in the body, fatigue, exhaustion, hopelessness and worst of all – a constant urge to end my life. I dreamt of passing away in my sleep regularly. I used to wish that a car hits me while crossing the road so that the pain and suffering ends. Anxiety became my best friend and slowly, I became a recluse. I refused to meet or talk to my friends and remained unreachable. I distanced myself from my family and constantly prayed for the suffering to end in the most ‘honorable’ way I knew – death. Somewhere around 2018, my symptoms were out of control and I suffered two massive breakdowns at work.

Important: Suicide Prevention Helplines in India

Important: Suicide Prevention Helpline in Singapore

 

Disclosure of mental illness at workplace 

I felt that my life was spinning out of control and that’s when I sought help first from a psychiatrist and then a therapist (both referred by someone). My therapist and my psychiatrist identified work to be a major stressor and advised that I take a break to focus on recovery. This led to a new bout of anxiety as I wondered how will my supervisors take it and if it will affect my career. So, I disclosed my diagnosis and work out a plan with my bosses so I could recover. But life happens to you when you are busy making plans. The support received from the workplace was not what I expected and ultimately I resigned to completely focus on my recovery.

Reframing and redefining work-life balance

Since June 2018, my life has revolved around getting better. I didn’t hesitate to take prescribed medication because I treat my depression as any other chronic illness. Along with my therapist, I work on my emotions and thought patterns. I knew that a full-time career in a law firm would not provide me the support I need through recovery because of lack of awareness about mental health illnesses. I didn’t want to be stigmatized again and face breakdowns. So I went freelance to maintain a more flexible schedule and to have the freedom to work on my own terms.

Depression and anxiety are common afflictions in the legal community. Many lawyers suffer in silence because the fear of being ostracized and ridiculed is real. My illness has given me an opportunity to raise the awareness levels within my community and that’s why I have never shied away from talking about depression. I always share my experiences and struggles on various platforms hoping others will know that they are not alone. It is my dream to make workplaces in India more friendly for those of us who battle mental health illness. It’s time we had ‘difficult’ conversations.

P.S. The cervical spondylitis got better and I started physiotherapy too to manage the pain. I still get aches and pains when my stress levels are high but now I know how to manage them - I use ice packs, I use a special pillow to sleep, etc.

 

 

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