Gopinath Ramakrishnan, Co-Founder and Managing Trustee of Special Child Assistance Network (SCAN), a support group for families of special needs children, reflects on the involvement of Dads in parenting.
When we started the parent support group Special Child Assistance Network (SCAN) in Chennai back in 2015, it was mostly a women and children group. Yes, there were a couple of us dads hanging around, but it was by and large comprised of, and driven by the moms. In fact, the WhatsApp group was initially called SCAN Moms Info Xchang. It took a while, and a fair number of dads to join, before It became SCAN Family Info Xchang. Not that the SCAN moms were anti-men. It was just a reflection of the sad reality that when it comes to the care of children, and special needs children in particular, the fathers tend to fade into the background.
The moms are the ones who spend all their time and energy on the child with special needs, research and read up more than any doctor or special educator, very often give up promising careers. They also often get formally trained in special education. Most dads, on the other hand, focus more on being the breadwinner… and at best be the weekend “good times” dad, who handles all the outings on the bike or car, visits to the beach or the zoo, and all the other fun activities! No wonder moms get exasperated!
Changing Times
Having painted a gloomy picture of the role of fathers, I must say that in my observation over the past 4-5 years, a great deal has changed at least amongst our SCAN group. The initial days of hunting for a male in the crowd are gone. In fact, it was interesting to note that at a recent cooking workshop we organized, the first two volunteers to try their hand at the stovetop were men! And at any gathering we have, whether it’s an entertainment program at Mitr Café or a workshop on paleo diet, we see a fair sprinkling of fathers attending – not just to look after the kids but to participate with gusto!
The Positive Effect of a Support Group
Is this an effect of SCAN? Would be rather shameless to claim too much credit, but I do think that the kind of interaction, communication and socializing that we have had in SCAN has had some positive effect. In the early days we used to have some dads only perform driver duty – drop off wife and kids at SCAN events and then come back to pick them up. Over time, they saw that there were other dads at these programs and started joining too. Similarly, on our chat group (on an app called Telegram), the involvement of some dads in discussions around schooling, therapy, exercise, diet, and so many more topics has led mothers to encourage their husbands to join the group. It leads to what I call a virtuous cycle – more dads participating encourage other dads to participate too.
We recently had a father of a four-year old on the spectrum give a talk on his journey with his child – how he personally manages his son’s diet, exercise and medication. Not surprisingly, almost half the attendees were men! Clearly, they were looking to enhance their role vis-à-vis their child. And we have a dad who is full-time with his child at our vocational centre Tarang. He’s retired from his job and spends the whole day working with his son and the other interns.
Does this mean fathers are taking up an equal role in looking after their special children? There’s no easy answer to that, especially as there’s no easy definition of what an equal role it. But I can definitely state that I am seeing more fathers involved in activities that were earlier almost the sole domain of the mothers – attending PTA meets in schools and therapy centres, preparing food, dealing with doctors and therapists, helping to deal with meltdowns, and so much more.
Keep it up, dads! Wishing you all the best and a great Father’s Day!
Special Child Assistance Network (SCAN), a support group for families of special needs children, has been active since 2015. Join them on Facebook www.facebook.com/groups/SpecialChildAssistanceNetwork/ or reach out to us on contact@scanfamily.org.
