Youngsters can sometimes feel responsible for actions and events around them. Often it is a transient phase but sometimes it can be a cause for concern. Archita Bhalotia, mental health Counselor based in Mumbai, specialising in teens and adolescents with special needs, distils these for parents and why they should be addressed pro-actively.
What is shame? How is it different from guilt?
Shame, when simply put, can be understood as one of the uncomfortable feelings of being flawed or unworthy of receiving love and care from one’s surroundings. Shame often can be derived from our values and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Shame does not provide any kind of benefit to a human being which separates it from guilt.
For example, you may feel shame about your appearance, personality, or another aspect of yourself. You might feel ashamed about carrying on an unhealthy diet.
Guilt on the other hand is the feeling of regret when we believe that we have done something inappropriate or supposedly wrong. This provides us with room for improvement and helps us grow as an individual while being mindful of our strengths and weaknesses. Guilt is normally understood as a functional feeling among all emotions as it leads to a positive change.
For example, when a teenager lies to her/his parents about their need money. They may want to use the money to buy a cigarette but instead say it’s for a schoolbook. The teen would know that they have done something wrong and may feel guilty about it later on and change it eventually.
How are shame and guilt interconnected?
Guilt and shame are both emotions which may cause severe discomfort in a human being. They are both considered to be negative to a certain extent except that guilt can lead to positive changes and growth while shame may lead to suppressed feelings of worthlessness and blame. They sometimes may co-occur as guilt is caused for being unable to do something or for doing something inappropriate while shame also comes from being not ‘good enough’. Most emotions are interconnected and can be felt simultaneously.
When should we seek help? Is it ever too late?
When anything starts hampering our daily functioning like physical, emotional, professional, social, relationships, academics, etc, we can assume that it might be a cause for concern. It would be beneficial for the individual to seek professional help at this point. It’s never too late to try and resolve concerns which bother us on a regular basis. However, if the concern is recognized at the onset, reaching out to a therapist should be considered immediately instead of escalating the matter and going only at the eleventh hour. Being mindful and sensitive towards yourself, as this can help in the process of therapy and resolving matters.
For instance, if someone does something unethical or illegal, they may start experiencing nightmares, sweating, anxiety, increased heart rate, thoughts of suicide and likewise because of the guilt of the action. When the guilt restricts a person from going to school, talking to parents, hanging out with friends, isolating, often feeling sad and angry with self, help might be necessary.
Who should provide support/therapy? What should therapy entail?
Starting from family, friends, community to professionals, anybody can offer help and support to the one in need. This would certainly be contingent on whether the person is open about his/her concerns with people around him/her or not. Therapists, psychologists, counsellors, psychiatrists, social workers, life coaches can all provide guidance and support. Therapy could be a good space to start discussing the roots of the issue and a safe space to express one’s deepest, innermost feelings and thoughts. Therapy needs to be non-judgmental, unconditional and confidential. It also needs to be motivating, encouraging and supportive through the process as it should provide a safe zone for them to not feel any kind of shame or guilt at least in this aspect of their lives and hence model an accurate picture of what it feels like to not feel shameful or guilty all the time. Therapists and patients must build a healthy and open relationship where both work together and enhance the process of improvement and growth by working through issues of values and beliefs imbibed in the person which may be the sources of shame and guilt.
Clients can also be referred to support groups with likeminded people who may be struggling with similar concerns. This offers genuine and authentic support for the client and others around him/her while also allowing them a community space to discuss feelings and emotions as they truly are felt. Support from community members can be helpful and very therapeutic.
What are some of the healthy ways for coping with it?
Coping with any negative or harmful persistent emotion is a gradual process and might require some work from within along with external support. Often, we tend to supress these emotions and refrain from talking about them in the fear that people might judge us or ridicule us for our vulnerability. On the flip side, the more we talk about it and acknowledge it, the less powerful it can become.
- Begin by talking about and identifying these emotions openly whether to yourself or others, or both. This not only stops it from spiralling within you but may also reduce the anxiety and stress that it tags along.
- Try to identify the right emotion. Ask yourself is it shame or is it guilt? Recognizing the right emotion can help you cope with it in a more accurate and healthy manner rather than beating around the bush with it with no end in sight. Once emotion is recognized, further introspection can help in understanding where these might be emerging from and what triggered them. This is a good way of finding better clarity around the problem and dealing with it one at a time.
- Learn to celebrate your inner strengths. Remember, nobody is perfect, and we are all flawed in some way or another. Just like two sides of a coin, with weaknesses we also endure certain strengths. Even though you might be feeling negative emotions and thoughts, try to also dig deep to recognize your strengths and use them in times of despair. This not only affirms your faith in yourself but also disables these emotions from leading you to a breakdown. You are strong and you know it!
- Treat yourself like you would treat a friend. Just imagine if a friend or loved one was going through this concern, what would you tell them or how would you support them. Now, try to turn these helpful thoughts and compassion inwards and offer yourself the same. If a friend deserves your kindness and compassion, so do you. The gentler we are with ourselves; the better is our journey of healing.
- Try to keep a log of emotions and thoughts you encounter in such situations and how you cope with them in that very moment. If you find yourself feeding these thoughts, try to use affirmations and positive self-talk. Affirmations can be anything which you believe in and remind yourself of. “I am enough.” “I am doing enough”. “I am capable of managing my life in a way that works for me and does not harm anybody.” Make a list of affirmations which work for you and those you connect with. For further assistance with affirmations, you can also download the app called Think Up which only offers you affirmative statements for any and every kind of thought and emotion. You can also write these affirmations down in a book which you can refer to from time to time. Positive reminders are key to feeling better and free from shame and guilt.
- Every time you manage to calm yourself in a situation like this, treat yourself with something positive. It can be an activity, a food, an outing, a trip, a piece of chocolate, some good music, a massage, a new book, and most importantly validation from yourself that you are doing great.
What mental health issues are they more susceptible to?
- Isolation
- Insomnia
- Anxiety
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder
- Depression
- Stress induced disorders
- Trauma
- Self-harm
- Non suicidal self-harm
- Low self-confidence and self esteem
- Lack of concentration and focus
- Isolation
- Social isolation
- Relationship issues
- Academic/work concerns
What are some of the challenges faced by parents?
In terms of shame, parents may undergo a wide range of negative emotions and challenges when dealing with a child who may be experiencing shame. Additionally, parents may also experience shame of their own if their child exhibits unhealthy or problematic behaviour. It’s natural for parents to blame themselves for their child’s experiences and behaviour. Parents often think of their upbringing to be faulty and hence inculcate unhealthy values and beliefs into their child. This may cause intense shame, guilt and anger which may lead to skewed parent-child relationships as well as create cracks in their relationship with their partner. Parents may also try to end up overcompensating for their ‘not good enough’ parenting style by becoming permissive towards their child or overly protective both leading to negative consequences.
For example, to make up for their absence at home as both parents are working, they may allow their children to borrow large amounts of money, stay out until late, send them away for vacations, not correcting them when they are being rude or unreasonable and so on.
How can parents and peers recognize such feelings? (Signs to look out for)
Often children and young adults who may be experience shame and guilt might also display signs of low self-esteem, anxiety, lack of worth, depression, being overly apologetic, lack decision making, academic downfalls, isolation, loneliness, unhealthy behaviours like use of substances and so forth. These signs may not be overtly present but it’s important to be alert and attentive to their behaviour. Shame can be very deep rooted and doesn’t always surface directly. Talking to them is crucial and letting them know that you are available if they need to talk or need support.
For instance, if the teen comes home and directly rushes into her/his room and doesn’t come out to the common area until asked, they may be going through something. The lack of communication, answering in monosyllables, avoiding doing home chores, etc. can all be signs to look for.
Why are these two feelings such a burden for our adolescent population? Does it affect boys and girls differently?
We are brought up in a society where constant criticism and feedback is a part and parcel of our culture and day to day engagement with others. Adolescents may go through these feelings more intensely as they are also in a more vulnerable phase of their lives where everything is changing and developing. For example, social, academic, physical, psychological, familial, romantic changes occur rapidly which already overwhelms with a mix of various emotions and thoughts. Shame and guilt easily find their way through these vulnerable situations and make a strong impact. Something like rejection from parents for an assignment could seed a very negative vision of oneself.
Boys and girls may experience these emotions differently as they do other emotions. Boys may cope with these emotions in terms of becoming more masculine and tough whereas girls might try to compensate by the means of vanity or how they can engage in the society. Boys and girls view themselves differently hence combat these emotions differently. Shame and guilt for each sex is different, caused by different factors. Girls might feel shame or guilt for being unable to get good grades in school or not being able to help out at home while boys may feel them for being unable to fight against another boy or not being involved in sports.
It’s important to realize that these differences also stem from how their culture wants them to feel and what is shameful by the society’s standards. This includes family values, community engagement, school teachings, religious outlook, peer pressure and likewise. This may also lead to cases of bullying.
Archita Bhalotia is a Mental Health Counselor based in Mumbai, with a Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She specializes in working with teens and adolescents and also special needs children.
