Linesh, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, writes an interesting, insightful piece on how conversation skills and small talk can sometimes be a big challenge for ‘Aspies’ like himself. Linesh works with children with Autism as a special educator at the Spastic Society of Karnataka.
Why do I, like so many other Aspies, find small talk so painfully difficult? For some, the greater problem is a lack of conversational skills. This was definitely the case with me when I was a teenager. However, now my conversation skills have become better, but there is still something about small talk that remains a struggle. It doesn't mean that I can’t do it, or I’m not good at it. It’s more that I just really, really, don’t want to do it. In an effort to avoid answering a predictable string of stereotypical questions, there is a great temptation to either say nothing at all, or to hijack the conversation by speaking at length about something I find interesting. If they’re interested, great! If not, chances are they will listen politely for a time and then eventually end the conversation and leave me alone. This kind of thing may be a good ‘way out’, but it’s extremely anti-social and if I want to be anti-social I might as well just stay home. Well, I am a person who likes to live in an isolated place with less social interaction, but all Aspies are not like that. I think most of them have the desire inside to become a better social being.
So, how can they overcome this aversion?
I think the first thing is to gain a conscious understanding of the purpose of small talk. Without this understanding it was so easy to think it was ‘pointless’ and ‘stupid’ and that people only did it out of habit because of mindless social convention. Small talk actually serves very many useful purposes, but its main value is that it allows for safe, non-threatening interactions with strangers. To fulfill these requirements, small talk is necessarily predictable and superficial. The relatively strict rules of social conduct make it very clear what is expected, thus avoiding conflict and ensuring that no-one is left feeling awkward or unsure as to what to do or say. This is particularly problematic for anyone unfamiliar with these subconscious unwritten rules. Sometimes, it can feel like I am the only actor on stage who hasn’t read the script. Let’s just say my fellow actors are unimpressed with my ‘improvisations’. This took me a long time to get my head around. The problem is not the quality of my improvisations. It’s that when I deviate from the script, it forces others to do the same.
By not following the rules, I am seen as creating conflict, the very thing the small talk script is designed to avoid.
The reason superficial interactions with strangers are important is because society is built on emotional connections. In this way, even talking about the weather is connecting a shared experience. Imagine a man tries to start a conversation with me. “Hasn’t it been so hot recently!” he says. Chances are my first thought would be something like “It’s the middle of summer, what did you expect?!” But this fails to grasp the emotional message behind the words. What he is really saying is “Have you shared my experience of hot weather recently?” An appropriate answer would then be, “Yes, I experienced that too!” In this way small talk is about finding uncontroversial common ground that allows us to connect emotionally.
It is a common problem for me to focus on the literal meaning of the words and forget the purpose of what they are trying to communicate. Words are a mere channel of conveying. The important thing to understand is the message being communicated. Most of the time, in a social context, this message is emotional, rather than informational.
Come to think of it, a lot of my behaviour could be explained by the fact that I don’t really value ‘weak’ ties. I’ve always preferred stronger connections. I believe small talk doesn’t lead to anything deeper, it facilitates the creation of weak social ties only. But if the Aspies want to be a better social being and to live as a part of this society, they should improve their skills on small talk. Otherwise they have to decide to live in a comfort place by keeping a small circle of friends who can understand them very well. I prefer a small circle of people who can understand me well than improve my small talks, because I’ve always preferred stronger connections not weak social ties.
Also by Linesh
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