Anuradha Sridhar is a Corporate professional with multi-sectoral domain experience over the last 17 years. After her third psychotic episode, she took a career break to focus on her mental health and associated treatment. It gave her time to recuperate, to understand mental health better, to write and network with patients and caregivers. She resumed full time employment and continues to create awareness around mental health and provide peer support.
#LivedExperienceMatters
Dealing with disability
I am a patient of affective spectrum disorder who has also experienced psychosis 5 times. I don’t know for how long I have struggled with the mood disorder, but it is extremely clear when I began having psychotic episodes. I was 35 when the first psychotic episode occurred. I consider myself fortunate that the first psychotic episode took place when I was in my thirties – I had already worked full-time for nearly 15 years and was well adjusted in society. The latest episode occurred over 2 years ago when I relapsed during treatment as one medicine did not suit me. The duration of episodes has varied – it lasted as little as 10 days and went up to 5 weeks.
Despite full support from my parents and sibling, it took me 2 years after the first psychotic episode to find the right medical team and medication. When I took a career break after the third psychotic episode, I finally had time to focus on my treatment. Till date, I continue to experience some side-effects including weight gain, but my life is largely on the mend and I am highly functional. What I mean by functional is that I run a house efficiently, take care of myself, work full-time and spend time on hobbies. Since I have been psychosis-free for over 2 years now, I have regained confidence in my ability to manage situations. My sleep patterns have stabilised and I have also lost weight showing me that the weight gain is reversible to some extent.
Prior to the episodes, I struggled with lower back pain and sinusitis for years, and later learnt that chronic pain can impact the mood disorder. Once the psychotic episodes began, I began experiencing migraines and consulted a neurologist. Meeting the neurologist was a breakthrough – it is then I realised that there was something not okay neurologically too.
Thanks to my parents, I finally consulted a neuropsychiatrist. Today, my medical team consists only of my neuropsychiatrist. When I started treatment, the team also included a clinical psychologist for cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and deep relaxation, a physiotherapist for chronic pain management and a yoga instructor. In addition, I practiced guided meditation and took walks..
I write about different aspects of my mental health experiences on the Internet for three reasons.
- It helps me explain why I behaved the way I did when I was in midst of psychotic episodes.
- It helps me create awareness on mental health and build networks with other patients.
- I can share more about resources that have helped me.
Let me share a few learnings from my journey.
Mental health requires a long-term approach
When I began full-fledged treatment after the 4th episode and mentioned how it was helping me, my neuropsychiatrist told me that it is only the beginning of a long journey to recovery and improvement. Back then, I didn’t comprehend why he said so. Today, I understand it better. I still go through low moods related to the mood disorder, but am able to spot signs of trouble better and faster, and that helps me and my family. I note the duration of low moods by keeping track of days when I experience them. This helps me stay kind to myself when I slowdown in my activities. I am regular with medication (to stay psychosis-free) and blood reports, and am now mentally prepared this treatment is long-term.
Understanding mental health related disability is key
Despite all my troubles, I am on minimal medication and don’t qualify for moderate to severe mental health related disability status. What makes my situation disabling is the threat of relapse, worry associated with what happens if the medication stops working and dealing with suicidal thoughts occasionally. Psychosis is an extremely debilitating experience as it is a break from reality and it has social implications too. When the episode lasts, my daily routine collapses – I can’t cook, I sleep for 1-2 hours daily, I am on the laptop and phone incessantly typing the racing thoughts I experience without comprehending what I am typing, I become quieter than usual and raise my voice when I do speak.
To deal with the worry associated with relapse, I have prepared a rescue plan. I also journal at the earliest so that the anxiety loop doesn’t worsen and regularly reach out to my family.
Receiving support helps
While I am an introvert and manage with fewer, closer relationships, I still require social support and understanding when I am in midst of episodes. Since psychosis is a break from reality, I don’t have awareness on what I am saying and writing then. This can cause immense distress to people who are hearing/ reading what I am saying. While I cannot take back all that happens, I do reach out to every single person when I can – if they haven’t broken contact. It is a long journey to repairing relationships.
My sibling was clear that she will ensure I have access to the Internet and social media during episodes as she didn’t want to risk confusing and agitating me further. She deals with all people who reach out to her, sometimes angrily, when I am writing incessantly. Once the episode ends, she informs me about all of them. Since I have experienced psychosis multiple times, friends have understood that they must block me temporarily or stay silent without confusing me. At work, the opposite was done – access to the laptop was cut so that I don’t send out emails or use other firm-approved medium of communication.
The impact of persistence
By nature, I am a persistent individual and this has helped me stay disciplined about my treatment. Despite weight gain, I did not stop taking medication as I was convinced medication was necessary. I still don’t know how chronic my condition is, whether it will worsen with time and the other illnesses it shall bring in its wake. What keeps me going is the hope that I am improving with time, and have a loving family who will stick around come what may. I do understand this is a privilege.
One-size-fits-all doesn’t work
My clinical psychologist realised that I will benefit more from structured journaling than talking and she guided me towards it. For others, talking will benefit much more. The same medication might not suit different people. I couldn’t take supplementary Ayurvedic treatment because of sinusitis. Treatment plans are unique to individuals, and one must see what works for oneself.
This is my LinkedIn profile where I write to create awareness around mental health. I hope you find this useful.
