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Submitted by Geetha Paniker on 14 March 2016

By Geetha Paniker, a survivor of triple negative cancer with double mastectomy. A  believer of being positive against all odds who pens, all that the mind can reason with the heart. A teacher, turned home maker, she loves reading, writing and handicrafts

As I look back on my journey of life, I realise that in May 2014, I celebrate my cancer anniversary (Cancerversary). It marks my survival despite the pain, pokes, discomforts, transformations and transmutations. The completion of a difficult yet important phase of life that was absolutely meaningful.

Though I knew about the traumatic nature of the creeping crab, I chose to look at it as a journey of love, making use of all the tools to keep me positive. I never wanted to use the terms ‘poison’ or ‘deadly’ and chose to take all the procedures and treatment as a learning process and as a light of love.

I considered it a gift to make a deep connection with myself and to value life; the spirit that took hold of me in a positive way. There started my love story with the creeping crab that came in the form of breast cancer.

My only aim in life became to capture the essence of any given moment, and make it a significant milestone of life. Even after all the chemotherapies and radiations, the creeping crab was reluctant to leave me. It was all set to invade my tissues time and again, in the form of the suspicious looking atypical cells which tend to act like cancerous cells. I felt that the creeping crab was madly in love with my body, but the fighter in me was not willing to budge a wee bit. It sounds cruel and crude, but it is an ironical truth.

After two years of the love journey, it came back yet again threatening to seek vengeance. When I was being stripped down to the layers of tissues physically, I realised the validity of my spirits that made me positive and felt very tender and joyful. For the first time, I started loving the cancer. It made me what I am today --- stronger and with more courage. I knew that I was embracing the unknown, accepting the unbelievable and then celebrating all the milestones --- of all the surgeries, the scans and the scars.

Sometimes life is all about taking a deep breath and pausing; then listening. It means continuing with courage, with renewed strength by nourishing and taking care of oneself.

It also made me value life and feel a kind of gratitude towards cancer, for allowing myself to shine and celebrate myself. The residuals, moments of recurrences, FNACs, the threat of atypical cells and the whole process marks the cancer anniversary as the ultimate and unique love story of my life --- that with myself and cancer. It is always a bitter-sweet plot of life’s journey.

Like many other love stories, my journey with cancer started in a fight and ended up falling in love with it --- for what it made me realise: the importance of life, relationships, family and my priorities in life. I was thrown headfirst into the world of cancer and I accepted it with grace and courage.

It is a love story, simply because something beautiful emerged out of that struggle: I wanted survive, grow and shine with a positive radiance. I believe every person touched by cancer will have a story to narrate.

Today, after going through a second mastectomy, I feel that the creeping crab did make a drastic change in me, making me always positive, grabbing the odds and hurling them back to say “try me” again. It is a story of fear for some, but for some it is a love story, that made them survive against all odds. Though it does try to scare with suspicious looking cells, the fighter in me is prepared for anything. A veteran, as I am jokingly called, gives it a tough time, instead of it giving me scary days.

Isn’t my love story interesting? After going through so much pain, the scars, the bruises, and all the trials, I still feel, “Wow, I made it out fighting.” I feel triumphant that I made it with a smile. They say the scarred tissues are much stronger than the regular tissues. It may be an after-effect of the strong willed perseverance.

The creeping crab does make you realise what loss is, makes you fight and find your way out from the depths of despair. You learn to appreciate life and that understanding fills you with an empathy; a deeper concern for the value of life.

It is when your very life is threatened, you realise the value of being alive and each day you wake up thinking it to be a blessing. It is then that you look at the small things that give you joy and count the little blessings being sent your way. It teaches you to believe in that which can cure the briefness of life, for there is no remedy for mortality.

You learn to continue your belief in your doctors, the treatment, decisions; and most importantly yourself and your strength to endure. You learn to appreciate and enjoy every single day fighting all the negatives to stay positive.

I was a rebel, am a rebel and will continue being a rebel. And cancer made me stay a rebel forever. As Jim Valvano said: “Cancer can take away all my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul.”

I am a born fighter and will remain one against all odds.

Touch as soft as feather,

Whispers of love,

Gasps of giving,

Passion aflame.
 

Words unspoken,

No lies untied,

Not looking back,

Passion fuels fire.
 

Longing for an embrace,

When time is precious,

Vowing to the other,

Of a love forever.
 

Tomorrow is unknown,

When cancer mutates,

Life is threatened,

Only memories remain.

An extract from Geetha Paniker's book When I Fell in Love with Life: Musings of a Cancer Survivor

Recommended Reading:

I fought breast cancer and won

Connected by the thread of pain and love

CANCER: A friend who warns or a foe with thorns

Be a crusader, not a martyr

 

 

 

 

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