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Submitted by Jobanputra on 5 November 2020

Sejal Jobanputra lost her father to suicide at a time when she herself was grappling with a number of health issues. Even after a decade, she finds it difficult to come to terms with the tragedy.

What were your immediate thoughts when your father died by suicide?

Immediate thoughts were random hopelessness. Why? Could I have prevented it? Was I a burden? That time I had 2 catheters around my neck for dialysis. I had just become deaf a few weeks ago, possibly due to amikacin medicine’s side effects. The deafness was new and I needed my dad the most.

Related Reading: Sejal's journey with Chronic Kidney Disease  

Were there any signs at all preceding the suicide that you might have overlooked?

Dad was to be my second donor for my kidney transplant. We dealt with a lot of financial issues after dad’s business collapsed. We raised funds to have my second transplant. Dad and I were a good match. But the gap between his tests, fund raising and the transplant date became too long. During this time they gave me so many blood transfusions that the final tissue match before the transplant went wrong. We had spent a lot of money at the hospital and came back without a match, which naturally left us depressed. I came back deaf too. We both were clueless then as to why deafness or what next?

My Dad felt guilty for not being able to donate his kidney. At that time, he would often break down and talk of ending his life. But we always hugged, cried and returned to our routine, hoping for a better day soon. But it was definitely brewing in his mind.

Did you face any stigma from society because of your father 's suicide?

Yes. I face it till date. And its been more than a decade.

Dad’s suicide made news. We had the media hounding us for a story. They thought I would be desperate for a kidney now, with no family to donate. They were waiting to see if I would go for illegal ways for a kidney. So for months they would follow us, even to my dialysis centres, with hidden cameras. As if the pain of losing a parent was not enough, people would look at me as if it was my fault. Luckily I have amazing sisters who protected me from all. Some people still blame me for his death.

What were the insensitive remarks that you had to hear? How did you cope?

The very next day in dialysis, though the staff was very sensitive, other patients started passing comments like "baap ko kha gai"... "what use wearing white clothes now".... "why does she come to South Mumbai for dialysis when she can't afford"... My sister was next to me when patients were talking such things among themselves.

How did you cope with the feelings of "why?" guilt, "what signs did I miss"?

I have never been able to cope with it. It still weighs heavy on me. I still get anxiety attacks often. My legs start shaking when I think of that day. It was also my sister's birthday.

How did your sister help you during this crisis?

My sister and her husband were very supportive. They took me in to their home. They taught me to live with deafness. Their son gave me a reason to live. Within 2 years I was ready to move out and live by myself. They always have been a pillar of strength for me. The days when I am sick, they take care of me and nurse me back to health. They have cooked for me and helped me get independent.

Was it good to have a sibling to share the burden?

It is. We 3 sisters are each others’ parents, friends and children as well. We have such a bonding.

Do you have any advice for people who go through similar situations?

Every one has a tough time dealing with a death in family. A suicide is much tougher on those left behind. We feel guilty. We feel it was because of us. That guilt may never go. But we must learn to forgive ourselves. Find a purpose to live. With anyone around who has suicidal tendencies, please tell them often how important they are to you. Give them love. I think suicide is that split second of helplessness and feeling lost which leads to embracing death. I still feel I should have told my dad more often how much I love him.