We have to break the silence surrounding grief, especially around death by suicide, and learn to deal with sorrow in a healthy and sensitive manner, writes psychologist Chandra Ramamurthy.
I am a Clinical Psychologist by training. I lost my son, Naman Dutt, age 17 years, by possible suicide. The reason why I say possible suicide is because the circumstances of his death still baffle me. Naman was diagnosed with depression and though I have seen severe clinical depression in my practice, I never thought losing my son was something that I would ever face. I could never in my lifetime have anticipated that something like this could happen to me. Having said this, I got completely blindsided by his going away. I know that I am not the only person to have lost an only child to suicide/death, but at the same time it does not diminish the grief that I have on his loss. So how does a parent reconcile losing a child, before they themselves pass on? How do they manage grief, one that is so overwhelming, that it tears them apart- from the inside out.
Theories about grief
Let me share something about grief. I learned that grief is a complex process. Like any psychological theory, the Kubler Ross model is our yardstick and you want to come to acceptance quickly, because the whole world wants you to stop showing your hurt, they are uncomfortable with this grief, they don't know what to say, except- "move on, it all happens for a purpose, (he) was not meant to exist beyond his 17 years" etc. All the theories abound as soon as they meet you, karma rears its head and so does religion and any other 'advice' from well-meaning yet clueless people. I reiterate 'well-meaning' because I have learnt, over these twenty months,that people really do not know what to say and how to respond to losing a child especially if the death was by suicide. Their disbelief comes out as their only response- why did he do it? what was wrong with him? what did you do? We all want answers to satisfy our curiosity about a life gone too soon. We need to rationalize this, put it into a neat box and file it away for posterity. If wishes were horses, then parents would do this too.
Grief is messy
Grief is a very uncomfortable subject and it forces us to face our own mortality. Our first response is usually silence. Our society is broken in the way it handles grief and those deep within its trenches.It turns the other cheek on grief because of the uncomfortable questions it raises. It responds with silence and pushes those who are grieving into a deeper abyss, wondering what was wrong with them. Our society is impatient; it will accept grief only upto a threshold, after which grief is deemed excessive and unhealthy. Grief is not an illness or disease. It is not something to cure. People in grief are not sick, contagious, they are only sad. Their sadness does not need a cure, it is not something to get over, it’s messy, frequent and never ever fully goes away. People in grief are not the same person anymore. They are changed... forever...by their grief.
The question arises- so what do I do when someone is in grief? These are some basic rules, that I learnt during the process of grieving myself, to educate others.
- It’s not about you. Too many friends and acquaintances want to talk about how your loss affects them:how an uncle passed away, a grandfather or even a dog. They are eager to share their grief stories. My grief is different from theirs. I do not have the emotional energy to provide them succor, when I am drowning in my own grief. If you think family members can be great support, here's a revelation: family members can also be obtuse. One family member said that she did not call as she figured out that we wanted to be alone. Words can be communicated through text, mail and sometimes you do not even need words to just hug someone.
- There is no end to grief nor is there a bright side. Many family and friends try to cheer you up with comments to soothe you, but you are in a very dark place, in a raw state, you do not want to crawl out of it. You have just lost your only child and know that he will never come back, that you cannot touch him, hold him or hug him, EVER. Many comments are meant to be a kind gesture but they are hurting. Nothing can cheer a mourning parent. I had a friend who said that I should consider her child as mine. As if replacing will take away all my pain and anguish. Well-meaning yet hurting to the core of my heart. Other hurting words start with "at least he is not suffering". There is no comeback from that. Those words cannot make me avoid the fact that he was suffering. They just sink me deeper into the abyss of hurt instead of validating my feelings.
- Religion. Now where do I start. In a country with billions of gods and goddesses, quotes from religious texts are often served up to make up for feelings. "God takes away the best", "God never gives you more than you can handle", "He is in a better place now", "It was God’s plan", "God wanted him up in heaven", "You will see him again someday", "It is destiny, karma". I have stopped practicing my religion. God did not help me in anyway. I have never intentionally hurt anyone, nor did my innocent teenage son, yet karma is the explanation I get. These words can be cruel. They don't heal.
- Don't tell me how I feel. I know it all too well. I live it every day. I may smile today yet cry bitterly tomorrow. Grief is a journey and not a destination.I am aware that this grief will ebb and flow like a stream in our lives. We will have terrible days and not so terrible ones also. I am aware that I have to take it one day at a time and recognize what I feel. I also know that this is a process till the day I die. Do not judge my laughter or mock my tears. I exist in both states all the time.
What you can say instead, is the truth. That you did not know my child and cannot imagine the loss I am facing. That it will never go away. That you cannot fix it or me. That you will sit by me when I need you (even if you do not really mean it). Why is this important? Because we all will face loss, everyone will be in my shoes someday, though I do not wish this on anyone. We have to break the silence surrounding grief especially around death by suicide. It is no different from a cancer death or death by accident. It is not the fault of the parent or anyone. Then why do we make the parent feel guilty by distancing ourselves from them?
Also related: The pain does not leave me
We have to change a society that is not comfortable talking about death and grief. It has to start now. We have had too many generations tell us that it is ok to be silent about it. It is time to stop getting uncomfortable about grief. We have to teach our children how to deal with grief in a healthy manner because we all come with an expiry date. Our children will face this too. We are not meant to live forever. Grief is real, death is real. We can learn to teach others how to help in the grieving process, to be healers. By being present for others we heal ourselves too.
Just remember: whatever you are feeling, and whenever you are feeling, it is okay to not be okay. PERIOD.
