Author-writer Usha Jesudasan, 70, says being old and alone can be scary, but there is always hope. Here she tells us how she makes a conscious effort, that includes making new friends, babysitting at the pool, and donating books, to be keep herself active and engaged to fend off loneliness and gloom.
My mother was just over 70 when my father died. I remember being very worried for her as she would now live alone in a large house. I wondered how she would cope being alone. Mum surprised us all a few days later when she said, ‘I would like to have a small place for old people who are abandoned by their families and live on the pavements. Lately, I have been aware of so many of these poor people and I feel deeply for them. I would like to spend my time focusing on such people.’
Mum builds an old age home
So she found a small plot of land and built a large room, a kitchen and toilets. She engaged a cook to make breakfast and lunch and a late heavy evening tea. Within a few months there were almost 20 men and women who came regularly. A large television kept them occupied during the day. So did a carrom board! After a few months, Mum found that the high tea provided was being packed up for little children who also lived on the pavements. These elderly people would take their share for the street kids who lived alone. Mum built a large room above the one where the old people stayed during the day, and employed a teacher to teach the children during the mornings. After lunch they would draw or paint or play. After tea, they would all go back to their spaces on the pavement.
Mum spent a lot of time at this place which she called ‘Emmanuel Home’ after my dad. We often talked and she would say, how this had been her own mother’s dream, and she was able to see it bear fruit only because dad was no longer with her, she had no responsibilities for us her children and because she had time and enough finances to make it work. Doing this widened Mum’s circle of friends. As most of the people in her ‘home’ were elderly, they also had all kinds of health problems. So Mum asked all the medical personnel she knew within the family and her friends to donate their time doing eye check-ups, and monitoring blood pressure and just giving general monthly check-ups. She persuaded drug companies to donate samples of tonics and vitamins. Looking after these people kept her occupied and she used all her contacts to make their lives better. Most of her friends and family would donate a good ‘biryani lunch’ on their birthdays or their children’s. Others would bring gifts of clothes or colour pencils and toys. Emmanuel Home became a little hive of activity.
Lessons learnt from my mother
One of the lessons I learnt from my mother at this time is that growing old and losing a partner is a sad part of life. We cannot prevent it. Friends and family pass away. Those who remain often move to be closer to their families. Invariably our social circle shrinks and we are left to face life alone. We reminisce and look at old photographs and wonder, ‘What now?’ Sometimes our hearing, vision, mobility and memory take a battering too. We don’t look the same either – hair thins and greys, teeth fall out, we get thinner and frailer. It is easier to shrink away and just stay home rather than make the effort to stay connected with friends and family. Sometimes others ‘lose us slowly’ as being with us can be hard work.
They have to speak louder, make sure we don’t fall over, repeat the same things twice or maybe even three times, pick us up and drop us home safely. Over time, we find ourselves to be not like the person we used to be. Can we just remain so and either rage or just gently drift away into that ‘good night’? I think not!
Shifting homes
Earlier this year, ill health and severe environmental pollution in the area where I lived forced me to move away from my home. At first it was exciting. My dream of downsizing into a smaller apartment and living with only what I needed was actually happening. I had fewer clothes, and pots and pans and bottles on my kitchen shelf. There was no noise. I woke up to the sound of birds singing and rustling leaves, not traffic and horns. My day was filled with reading, writing, listening to music and staring into the gardens watching the birds.
Wonderful as all this was, after a few weeks I missed people. I had left my friends, my church, my various clubs and all the activities I had been involved in for over 40 years. I had also moved into what I call ‘the wilds’ so far from anyone and everywhere. The children in the apartments came to know me as ‘Paati’ and were very loving and caring. But their mothers would smile and run off into the lift. I made my first friend across the balcony and we chat now and then about what’s for lunch. The lady above me rings my bell when the wind blows her laundry onto my balcony and she comes to get it. ‘Please come in,’ I almost plead with her. ‘Sorry aunty, I left the gas on!’
Widening my circle of friends
So one evening I made a conscious decision to call my friends, a few a day. To WhatsApp them, send pictures and little messages. To connect with them on video and not just talk, but give them tours of my house, my bookshelf, my fridge and what I’m cooking so it looks and feels like I’m really with the person I’m talking to. I chat with my two little granddaughters in the UK every day. I have over the lockdown reconnected with school mates of over 50 years ago using Facebook. In fact my circle of friends has widened much to my joy. As most of us have medical problems of some kind or other, online is an easier way to meet. A few of us try and meet for lunch at least once a month. It is a time to ‘dress up’ and look our best. ‘Who are these oldies in their finery?’ the others having a quick lunch in the same restaurant think. But we take our time to order and are in no hurry. We talk to the waiters about their families and are the last to leave at almost closing time!
As we get older, it is very tempting to dissolve into a pool of self-pity and sit and watch the world go by. I was sitting in a resort all by myself – my family had gone to the sea and later to the pool – the walk to the sea was too far for me. A young mum was sitting a little further away from me with a baby, and would wave to her husband and little girl, in the pool every now and then. I went and sat beside her and introduced myself. “If I came closer to the pool and sat on one of these chairs, can I look after your baby for you if you want to join your family?’ She was surprised. I could see the thoughts running through her mind – would this old lady run off with my baby? Was she quite sane? She looks quite decent! “You can see me from the pool, and you can almost touch me and the baby.” She bundled the baby into my arms and I settled comfortably in a deckchair near the pool. I loved cuddling the little girl, and the family had a nice time too. I did this during our entire stay there and made such lovely new friends.
- A smile and being interested in other people’s lives is still the best remedy for loneliness at any age, more so as we get older.
- Being sociable as we get older always takes time and effort on our part. Yes, someone will love us and leave us and we will be left alone again – but the joy of making new friends, and listening to other opinions keep our minds strong and open. It also makes us interesting people to be with.
- Give away possessions you no longer need. I found this truly liberating. I donated my collections of books to a local girls’ college. Most of the books had my name and number and almost all of them had lines which I had underlined or commented on. One of my great surprises is when a young college girl calls to find out why I had underlined this particular sentence or paragraph and we engage in a wonderful conversation.
- Be there for someone whose loved one has passed away. If you have experienced grief, you know how it feels – so just be there to comfort them and listen to them. Send them a note, a poem, or a picture that has brought you comfort.
- If you can, join a club like the Lions, Duchess, or Rotary which mixes pleasure and social work. Join or begin a group for reading or painting. An evening walking group which allows you to exercise and interact with others. Star and moon gazing isso delightful at our age too.
Being old and alone can be very scary. But there is hope too that we can do things that we could not possibly have done when we were younger and had the responsibilities of a family!
So enjoy the freedom!
Usha Jesudasan has written previously:
I am scared to go down the path of illness
Choosing Joy in the Darkest Hour
7 Tips for Living with Chronic Illness
Usha Jesudasan is a freelance writer who writes about life, values and harmony. She has authored many self-help and inspirational books some of which include – I will Lie Down in Peace, Two Journeys, Healing as Empowerment: Discovering Grace in Community.
