Usha Jesudasan, a prolific writer of deeply motivational books and articles, affected by polio, diabetes and breast cancer, started using a wheelchair recently after a very active life. On her eighth breast cancer anniversary, she builds hope from her own experience of making each day count and making living worthwhile despite weakening energy.
A few days ago I crossed a milestone – the 8th anniversary of surviving breast cancer. Happy as I was to have had all these years cancer free, a shadow fell over me. My mother too had breast cancer, but died eight years after her surgery. There had been many similar patterns to events in our lives, was this to be one too? Dark thoughts had no place on a sunny morning with the bluest of skies, birds singing a happy song outside and yellow and white flowers and slim pale green bamboo leaves swaying in the wind to welcome me into my balcony.
Fear of cancer cell lurking
Half-way during the day I called my doctor M J Paul to thank him for seeing me through a very difficult time. I shared my thoughts with him. ‘Well, I’d like to think you are cured,’ he said, ‘but with cancer we can never be 100% sure. There could just be a little cell lurking dormant somewhere. It may rise up again, or it may not. What you should focus on is not the fear it arouses in you, but the quality of life you would like to have from now on.’ Wise words which made a lot of sense to me. But it was a busy morning, so his advice got pushed and here and there in my mind during the day. At night as I sat on a ledge outside in the garden, I looked up and saw a beautiful sliver of a silver moon. The gleaming moon against an inky dark sky full of sparkling stars took my breath away. In the silence I brought Dr Paul’s words into my mind again. Here with the cool breeze blowing and with all this night beauty around me I knew I could face the truth in his words.
What would I like to do if I had only a year to live…
Well, if like my mother I had just this year to live, what would I like to do? What changes would I make to my life so that it could be lived on my terms as joyously and as graciously as I could?
First came the realization that before I could even think of anything else, I had to accept the fact that I had very limited energy levels due to Post Polio Syndrome. Till now, I had been pushing myself whether in the kitchen or generally around the house with an ‘I can still do it’ attitude. Then collapsing with fatigue at the end of the day making me a difficult person to be with. Letting go and accepting that I need help, not being in control of my kitchen, having to use a wheel chair and having someone with me while doing my shopping or mall walking was hard. I stopped doing this thus punishing myself for being in this condition. I realized I had been fighting this for so long and now it was time to face it and relate to it in another gentler way. Another look up into the sky showed me the Moon, Venus and Jupiter in perfect alignment with each other. I offered up a prayer, ‘Help me to accept that which I find difficult to accept.’ I thought of my many friends who had walked this difficult path of letting go and had shown me the way and was grateful for each of them. Bless you little stars - it was going to be a long road so keep shining on me!
Live more gratefully
One of the changes I would like to make in how I live is to live more gratefully. The night before the anniversary, I sat up till the wee hours of the morning reading my book Two Journeys and cried. I had completely forgotten how tender and caring my older son Jamie was to me while I was in hospital recovering from surgery and in the days that followed. He combed my hair, helped fasten the straps on my dresses, cut up food for me into little pieces, fed me and sat with me till I fell asleep. Apart from this, although he was so tired from a long drive and a hard day’s work, he would sit up and talk to me about how to cope with the difficulties that lay ahead. I see him now eight years later, still working late hours, driving long distances and me grumbling about my day the moment he walks in. Ouch! That hurt. This definitely had to stop now. Of course I said a heartfelt ‘thank you’ at the time, but it wasn’t enough. What could I do now to show him how grateful I am for his many daily kindnesses? I decided to greet him in the evenings with a glass of cold juice everyday instead of my grumbles.
Every person, who like me, has to live a slower life either because of age or chronic illness still needs a purpose or meaning to their lives. Where was I to find mine now? Much of my life had been lived ‘outside’ my home. Now I was almost confined to the house. This has been hard. I read, I write, I listen to music, I video call my friends, I watch the birds – but something is missing. There under the moonlight I heard a whisper in my heart - just relax and enjoy this. After the frenetic life you have lived, you now have time to sit and gaze at the stars. The purpose of all this beauty is for human beings to enjoy and marvel with wonder. This is where you will now find new meaning – in enjoying it! Don’t feel guilty that you are not doing anything constructive! Saying thank you to the night sky is good at the end of the day – perhaps I make them happy too! A new lesson to learn!
Stay Connected
One of my grumbles is, ‘How can I connect with people if I’m stuck at home? ’ ‘Use your Whatsapp video, connect on social media’ said my daughter Mallika. This week I have re -established an old friendship with a little boy who used to live opposite me 60 years ago. Except he’s not a little boy anymore – what joy it has been for both of us to share and care in such an unexpected way! Earlier this year I traced and found the first English girl who spoke to me when I was a little eleven year old immigrant girl in the UK. Our letters now reach out to each other and the years we have missed are slowly beginning to be filled in. There is meaning too in reconnecting with old class mates and catching up on all the sad and happy events in our lives and being as supportive as we can through mails and video calls.
Be eco-friendly
As an author for children in schools (Living in Harmony is a text book for Values, Life Skills and Peace Education published by Oxford University Press) a lot of thought has gone into protecting our planet – Earth. How much of it can I now put into practice? I find I can easily live without plastic containers/ bottles/ bags – I’m loving using all my old glass things. I buy freshly picked vegetables straight from a village lady. The money I hand over to her goes into her purse to feed her family and save for a house of her own. A large bucket of water is enough to keep me clean and my aches and pain at bay. All crumbs and left over rice is fed to the birds. Tea leaves go to the plants. I’ve said no to wet wipes and anything that is not biodegradable and rediscovered cotton cloths. Another lesson to learn and keep reminding myself that I need to hand over a clean and safe Earth to my grandchildren.
Exercise and be active
Dr Paul’s advice to me was also to continue my exercises. I fold my sheets, stretch to hang the laundry, have my essentials in the top shelf in the kitchen so I have to stretch to get them. ‘Eat well, ’ he said knowing my fussiness. We do eat less as we get older, but I’ve also learnt to eat smaller but more frequent meals. And to keep active as much as I can.
Deep in my heart it’s good to know that a life well-lived is long enough!
Here are some of the tips that work for me - in making each day count, to live healthier and more meaningfully:
- Hard though this is, accept whatever limitations your diseases bring you.
- Accept and ask for help. Family, friends and even strangers are happy to help.
- Eat well. Nuts and dry fruit have very little preservatives and are healthier than fried snacks.
- Live a grateful life and count your blessings.
- Find meaning in little things.
- Enjoy Nature and all it’s beauty. It calms your mind and heals your soul.
- Think about our planet. Do your little bit to save it.
- Connect with your friends and family through modern technology. It’s made for people like us!
- Read! Read! Read! You need good thoughts and ideas going into your head at every stage of life - but especially now.
