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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 8 August 2018
Image Description of Linish Balan a man on the autism spectrum with black hair and a beard

Linish Balan, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, gives us an insight into how individuals with autism face difficulties processing and grasping conversations and how his misunderstanding often lands him in comic predicament.

Children who are neurotypical or not affected with a developmental disorder acquire language quickly, easily, and without effort or formal teaching. It happens automatically, whether their parents try to teach them or not. And after acquisition of language, for most of the neurotypical individuals, language processing may not be a conscious process. I think they process language with subconscious mind after acquiring language.

But for me, processing language is a conscious process. I need to process language with conscious mind. So most of the time, I take a longer period than a NT (neurotypical) individual to process language.

Longer to process language

When I talk with a person, I need to process the entire sentence before I speak. Hence most of the time there is a delay to respond in conversations. This conscious effort while speaking is really stressful, when I have to talk with a person continuously. If I talk with somebody nonstop for half-an-hour, I get a headache. Thus sometimes I avoid conversations with people, if I feel I am overwhelmed by the language processes. But if the topic is really interesting for me, I may make a more conscious effort to continue the conversation. Though at the end the consequence will be a severe headache.

It's not easy to avoid talking with people in between a conversation because most of the people who have interacted with me never have any idea about my difficulties. When you involve in a conversation, you have to listen what another person is talking, you have to give attention for his/her facial expressions and gestures (nonverbal cues), your brain has to process all these information before you answer and you have to find out an appropriate sentence as your replay. When you do all these processes with subconscious mind, it's very easy. But when you process with conscious mind it's really painful.

Awkward moments during conversations

There were several awkward situations in my life where I stood as a statue in between conversations. Since childhood, teachers have been scolding me for not listening and giving answers properly in class. Slowly I learned to mask some of my difficulties as a part of my survival and existence. I started to pretend that I was listening. I would shake my head and give smiles in between a conversation. Because like any other individual I also wanted to be accepted. But I can't always mask my difficulties. For example: suppose one person is telling a sad story that happened in his/her life. I may shake my head and give smile to pretend that I am listening when I am overwhelmed. They will misunderstand me. And in a group conversation, language processing will be very difficult for me. In a one-on-one conversation somewhere I may able to manage, but when I involved in a conversation with 2 or more people language processing can be a hell for me.

Anxiety worsens language understanding

Processing language becomes all the more difficult when I am anxious.  Language processing won't happen at all during severe anxiety. That time complete silence is better for me and others too. If someone forces me to talk, when I am so anxious, I may blurt out something. It may hurt people. Most of the time in such situations my speech will not be under my control and it may not be appropriate and related to the situations. And most of the conversational skills I learned through delayed echolalia (repeat noises and phrases that they hear). So when I am not able to process language, if someone compels me to talk, I may blabber out something from my subconscious mind. That may be something I have learned through delayed echolalia. It may be a movie dialogue or someone's dialogue which I heard years back or dialogue from a story book. Anyway it will not be appropriate for the situation.

When I feel overwhelmed, I prefer to text than talk. But when I am very anxious even texting becomes difficult. Around 9 years back when I was undergoing severe anxiety, I wanted to avoid phone calls. I didn't even want to connect with anybody that time, not even my friends. I didn't know how to make them understand my difficulties. Unfortunately, there were some issues in my personal life as well. I was consuming drugs too that time (yes, of course those issues and my excessive usage of drugs were the reason behind my severe anxiety). So everybody connected my silence with those issues and I was forced to respond to their texts.

A goof-up under stress

Once one of my close friends texted me informing that a friend’s father was in hospital. In fact language processing was not at all happening.  Unfortunately some sentences came out from my subconscious mind.

“Kill him, his time is over."

I texted this sentence as my reply. I didn't mean it. It might have been a movie dialogue that I learned through delayed echolalia.

The consequence was that the friend who got that reply decided to teach me the basic lessons of empathy and compassion forcibly. Finally,  there was only one way in front of me, run away from his teaching. Still he checks how much empathy and compassion I have, when he talks with me. This is not a complaint, I will always respect and love him.

Most of us individuals with autism deal with language impairments. We know we should not use it as an excuse to hurt people. But to be judgemental about our expressions may not be healthy. Please remember always - we are not just our language, our language may not reveal our mind. I believe most of the individuals in the spectrum have good empathy. But they may not know how to demonstrate it in a way that society expects. So instead of bringing us into the way how the society expects us to live, please understand our way of thinking and let us live our life.

Related Reading: Autistic People Feel No Empathy: Myth or Fact?

 

 

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