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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 1 September 2019
A couple posing and taking a selfie

It is important for caregivers to seek help and advice of mental health professionals to ease their journey of caregiving and keep the relationship strong, says Abhimanyu Argal who looks after his wife with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Could you give us a little background about yourself?

I am 30 years old. I'm self-employed, working in the real estate industry as a developer. I am an engineer by qualification.

You are a caregiver to your wife, Sheeba. Please could you describe her condition?

My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It results in her having tremendous mood swings, anxiety issues and splitting (having difficulty holding opposing thoughts).

How long have you been a caregiver to your wife?

We have been married for almost a year, but I have been a caregiver for almost 3 years as we have been living together for almost 3.5 years.

What is it like to be a caregiver?

It is quite a challenge. There are many highs and lows. The lows are of course quite obvious as there is quite a bit of strain that her condition imparts on the relationship. The highs of course are the satisfaction of being able to help your significant other and creating a safe and happy environment for her to flourish in.

What are your responsibilities as a caregiver?

My responsibilities are not chalked out quite clearly. Sheeba has a lot of issues with her family that result in a huge communication gap with them. This results in her friends and I being the only support system that she has to help cope with her issues. My responsibilities encompass that of a friend, spouse and parent.

What were some of the challenges you faced as a caregiver?

The biggest challenge I feel has been to understand her perspective. I am quite logical, and a lot of her reasoning was unfathomable. Initially this caused a lot of anger in me as I felt that this was pointed and purposeful behaviour aimed at hurting me. After extensive counselling, reading and introspection, I concluded that this was an extremely self-centred point of view and that the damage being done to me was insignificant compared to the damage being done to herself. Another issue is that because of splitting, I am often the target of her misplaced anger. The counsellors advice of keeping my temper in check with various lifestyle changes has been extremely helpful in this situation. She also advises me to think of her as a child in such situations and the reactive nature of my responses just vanished. The toughest times are when she goes into a shell and keeps pushing me away despite my well-meaning intentions. This was because I was not being very communicative during breakdowns and would get quite flustered at my inability to do anything. I know these points now and consciously make efforts to not let such feeling creep in.

What changes have you made in your lifestyle because of new responsibilities?

I have started exercising a lot. I consulted a different psychologist who advised me to start taking more care of myself and exercise and read and play music frequently. This will reduce my stress levels. I am doing all of these and already feel tremendously better and happier which enable me to be the support that I am needed to be. It's quite like the airplane announcements where they ask you to secure your own mask before helping others. I have been a stronger pillar of strength since I have been focussing on my well-being as well.

Do you think any skills are required for caregiving?

I feel that there are certain aspects that one needs to mindfully work on. These aspects are best defined by consulting a psychiatrist/psychologist. Mental healthcare professionals deal with patients day in and day out and outline the best path to take to successfully be a caregiver to those around you. Thus, I believe that there is no inherent skill set needed to be a caregiver. One just needs to follow the advice and guidance of the counsellor in a whole hearted manner.

What about caregiver stress and burnout – do you face these sometimes?

It is quite a common occurrence, though after seeking help and counselling, it has become a far rarer phenomenon. With the right tips, one is very easily able to handle the stresses that come with being a caregiver. Today, I feel I am much better equipped to handle my own issues and subsequently be firm and determined in trying situations.

How did you mentally/emotionally cope with your condition? How has your family supported you?

Initially there was a lot of resentment I was harbouring towards my wife. This was mainly stemming from my helplessness in the situation and my failure to understand the depths and complexities of mental ailments. Reading about her condition, seeking counselling and communicating in times of clarity with my wife have helped me overcome these blocks and emerge as a better caregiver and a stronger human being. My family has been extremely helpful and supportive. They are mindful about my wife's trigger points and do not begrudge any untoward incidents that occur in the heat of the moment. My wife too has been a gem while dealing with my family. She has always been open about her condition and makes extra efforts to not let her issues complicate her relations with my family.

Have you joined a support group to network with others in the community?

I have joined a WhatsApp group wherein I am able to post queries and read about others facing similar issues as patients as well as caregivers. I have also attended a meet held by them for members of the community which further helped me understand the finer nuances of her condition.

How are you balancing work life and caregiving?

I have not had any issues balancing work life and caregiving since I have started taking a more structured approach to matters. There are of course emergency situations, but these are few and far between. My wife is also extremely helpful in striking this balance. She is aware of my work schedule and refrains from interrupting when something minor occurs which she can handle on her own. She understands when I have to compensate for being by her side and work extra hours to make up for lost time. In fact, sometimes on weekends, she even accompanies me to construction site and gives valuable inputs which help me better execute the project.

How is your wife doing now?

Thanks to the counsellors, friends and of course my wife, her condition is much better today and she is in a happier state of mind. Kudos to the professionals, and everyone else for extricating her from a deep dark spot.

Are there any tips for being a successful caregiver?

If I had to give tips, it would be to stop trying to make the patient see logic or your point of view. If this would work, they wouldn't be in the situation in the first place. One must be extremely mindful of one's actions and words, as these have a tremendous impact on the patient's state of mind. Seeking help from friends, family and professionals is an absolute must. No one is born with the knowledge of how to deal with people having such afflictions. Professional guidance and help is how one can smoothly and effortlessly be the anchor for a boat tossing around in choppy waters. Of course the most important factor is having the intent to help the patient out. AS the famous adage goes, "Where there is a will, there is a way".