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Submitted by PatientsEngage on 15 June 2018
A couple, a woman on a wheel chair with a man standing attentively next to her, both looking into the woods with the sun streaming through

It has been almost three years since his wife passed away, but the void is hard to reconcile. In an emotional piece, Mario recounts the day when his wife Cheryl was diagnosed with advanced pancreatic cancer, and how family and friends rallied together to make her comfortable and happy in her last days.

I first met my wife around Oct 84 in a church in Lucknow and after wooing her to hell and back married her in Oct 85. As a family we had our ups and downs but I daresay we had a beautiful marriage and one loving family. Being from a services background, we travelled all over the country and finally settled down in Bangalore.

My wife was in the teaching profession for years. At the time of her diagnosis with cancer she was Principal of a school in Bangalore. She was the Founder Principal and had been at the helm for almost 5 years. A mother of 3 children—two boys and a girl, she was one of those so full of life. She endeared herself to all she met and it was rare to see her without a smile. Perhaps a fitting tribute to what people thought of her as a person and Principal was the fact that there were over 1500 people at her funeral.

Grim diagnosis

It was all going wonderfully well when she developed a mild pain in the stomach. Several visits to the doctors, several ultrasounds showed no result. Finally, in Dec 13 she was sent to for a CT scan. This was followed by an MRI. I collected the result the same evening and without opening the envelope drove home. At a traffic signal I opened the report and after reading the initial part turned towards the second page to read the findings. I’m still not too sure how I drove home thereafter. On the way I called a doctor to check on it and his words were to me were “Mario, it’s bad, very bad”. What do you mean I asked? “It’s a hopeless case.” he said.

On reaching home the children were there and cheerfully my wife asked me how was the report - and then she noticed my expression as did my children. There was shock, disbelief - you name it. It was a quiet dinner and the two of us moved to our room. We held each other and I wept, and I guess that is the time she realized it was not looking good. And then I made her a promise - I told her I will not cry again and we are going to fight this together.

We Did Not Go Into a Shell

There are two ways I think people handle such cases. One is go into a shell and shy away from others, the other is to seek support of family and friends. We chose the latter. We had no family in Bangalore but over the years we had the most wonderful friends. My first mail on 29 Dec, 2013 to family and friends soon after the diagnosis is reproduced below:

Folks,

On 10 Mar 1985 at about 4am, I started my walk up the Siachen Glacier. Four officers had been evacuated before me and that caused a bit of apprehension and fear as I stepped out on this 6 day and 60km walk. The fact that I was wearing the winter clothing of one of the officers who had been just been evacuated provided little comfort.

When I compare what I went through then as a young bachelor and crazily in love with Cheryl, and the journey that begins tomorrow at the Bangalore Institute of Oncology, I realise that the walk up the glacier now seems like a long stroll up a hill. Over the years, the girl I fell in love with then, has become a part of me and hence the fear and apprehension of what the future holds for us now is quite mind boggling. Cheryl is a woman of courage, great determination and, more importantly, a great believer in our Lord and his miraculous ways. So we take this step forward with hope and with the complete belief that HE will guide us through this difficult journey as only HE knows best. God was with me in 1985 and I'm sure He will be with her now.

I know we have your support and prayers but I would again request you to pray for Cheryl in a special way ---  that she responds well to the 1st of three cycles of chemotherapy which is to commence tomorrow/Tue. That in itself will be the miracle that we need to begin with. I am not too sure if the good Lord is swayed by numbers but if he is then Cheryl is definitely in safe hands!!

Much love

Mario

The battle began and after the initial setback we discussed her getting back to school. With over a 1000 children that decision had to be taken soon. We decided not to quit and her first appearance after the diagnosis was the school Annual Day in late Jan 14. Because of the fear of infection she could not be exposed too much so she only went on stage to address the parents and children-- who broke into wild applause. I think that pepped her up and from then on till the Sports Day in Nov 14 she continued courageously till suddenly there was a dramatic drop in her condition.

A Team For The Challenging Months

Coping in the last few months was always going to be a challenge. My elder son was in Canada and we sent him back. My younger son was set to leave for the US to do his Masters but, seeing her condition, he requested for a deferment of a year and abruptly quit his job to be with her. My daughter was doing her Masters in a University nearby but staying as a PG—she fell back too. I was working and couldn’t afford to quit. So between my son and me, we managed to be with her at all times especially each time she was hospitalized. We were blessed by the fact that we had - and still have - a most wonderful maid who was always by her side when she returned from school.

In hospital, her friends would come and spend time with her. I would return from work directly to hospital and then they would leave. I would take over till the next morning when my son would arrive at 6am.  Obviously managing at home was a lot easier.

We continued to socialize much to the amazement of our friends but taking due precautions. We would carry her food to restaurants and parties without any problem. We got her a nice little wig to get over the loss of hair. But while we did all that, we knew her time was coming. On 26 Oct 2014, our 29th wedding anniversary we invited about 30 of our close friends for dinner to an Army mess. We had live music and we then danced to Mi Casa Su Casa (My Home is Your Home) the first song we danced to at our wedding. It was special.

We were also fortunate that the treatment was free. Being from the Army we had nothing much to worry about financially which was a huge blessing.

We Each Coped Differently

By end Nov 14, she was using a wheelchair. My son was down from Canada and we were all together again as a family. It’s a strange feeling to know that the woman who held the family together was slowly slipping from our grasp. I guess each of us handled it differently. While my elder son would sometimes sit alone reflecting, the younger one would go out every evening for rock climbing. My daughter would not leave her side and courageously keep up her spirits. Over the days though my wife became totally dependent on the second son - an absolute rock. I coped from work and because I just had to put up a brave face for the family. Perhaps 27 years of Army training helped.

Christmas Day 2014, the friends rolled in. And she held up. Between the maid, my daughter and her guidance they had made a whole lot of Christmas sweets. We were determined to keep our chin up and so the wine and sweets were flowing while each family spent time with her in the bedroom

Support from far and near

My wife’s school was very supportive. It is run by a Muslim Trust. In 14 months not once did they raise the issue of her quitting. She was the Principal when she died and their humanness went to such an extent that they did not even once during the whole period cut even a day’s salary including of Feb 15!  My own company told me I was free to work from home if needed and not to worry about leave. My daughter’s university eased all rules and my son’s boss in Canada had him working out of India without a pay cut. All this combined with great friends helped us in managing this crazy situation.

You may have noticed that I have not mentioned much about the rest of the family. Unfortunately, my wife’s parents and two brothers are in Lucknow and one brother in the Middle East. While they visited, they obviously could not be of too much help. Her parents could not come down because of physical handicap and that was a tragedy of sorts because they lost their only daughter without seeing her. I visit them each year. My only brother is also based in the UK and he too visited.

Adieu

On 2 Feb 2015 at around 7am my wife passed away into the hands of the Lord. There was a calmness all around as the end we knew was coming. It was a great relief in a way because her suffering had finally come to an end. Pancreatic cancer is extremely painful. The doctors, nurses and staff at the HCG hospital were absolutely fantastic. But at the end of it all, nothing could save her. At 54, we lost the soul of the family.

We have since moved on. My eldest son is now a Canadian citizen, the younger boy left for the US and got married to an American. My daughter is with me working in a NGO dealing with adults suffering from mental disabilities. I continue in my job and my friends keep me going.